The Eternal Starless Night
by Nurse Betty Page
Summary: The Doctor falls seriously ill while travelling - as memories of Clara come rushing back, Bill agrees to help the Doctor search the universe to find her. But the Doctor is suffering a serious delayed injury due to the memory wipe and Bill fears if he does not rest he may not live long enough to be reunited with Clara, but all the Doctor cares about now is finding his lost love...
1. Chapter 1

**The Eternal Starless Night**

 **Author note / Warnings** : This fic is AU, set at some point after the Doctor has started travelling with Bill in the Tardis – it will also be a fic that sees the return of Clara. It's a Twelve x Clara story, a love story, a very passionate and emotional romance with some very heavy storylines.

* * *

 **Rated M** : Adult themes. Also a heavy emotional a rollercoaster – if you've read my other fics, you know what to expect.

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing but my love for this fandom.

* * *

 **Summary** :

The Doctor is looking forward to travelling on to new destinations with Bill, his new companion, but as they travel through time and space he happens to mention the story of a woman called Clara – who Bill feels sure was so much more than a story, but the Doctor can't remember. He is sure that he wishes he had found her again, and fears the images that stir in his mind of the sweeping wing of a raven as the world falls to darkness, something he can only liken to the eternal starless night of death itself...

On landing the Tardis, the Doctor promises Bill they have arrived on a safe, settled far distant future world filled with earth colonists – and it he is right about that, it seems nothing can go wrong - until the Doctor collapses leaving Bill stranded far from home and her own time.

But Bill's only concern is for her new friend, and when she is told he has suffered the building result of an old injury, it is explained to her that perhaps a wrongly configured memory wipe of some kind had been used by the Doctor – then as she anxiously waits and hopes for his recovery, Bill begins to work out that the memory wipe and Clara Oswald must be linked...

The Doctor's condition remains serious and his recovery is a struggle and complicated by the flood of memories that hit him hard as the memory wipe effects are undone. As soon as he is able to walk the Doctor insists on leaving in the Tardis, as Bill refuses to go home until she is sure he is well again – the amnesia device was configured for human use, the effect on the Doctor has been life threatening and he must rest because his life depends on it – but the memories have returned and as the weakened Doctor begs for her help, Bill agrees to aid him in a search for a Tardis that looks like a diner, and a woman by the name of Clara Oswald who he swears he can no longer live without...

* * *

Chapter 1

As they stood together in the console room and Bill watched in wonder at the sight of the stars rushing by, the Doctor caught the look in her eyes. He knew that look, the wonder, the excitement, Bill was embracing every journey as a new adventure, seeing the wonder of everything that he had always loved about travelling in the Tardis, she wanted to welcome it all, and that was always a good sign.

He hoped this would be a long friendship, already she had faced danger and accepted the fact that his life was risky as well as amazing and she understood the downside, the lurking dangers out there - but maybe she didn't see it as a downside, she had it in balance. She just wanted to see more, to explore, and that made him happy. She looked at him as they stood together and she smiled and he smiled back, saying nothing as the Tardis travelled on through the stars.

Bill suddenly turned her head again, looked at him and before she said a word he sensed her mood had changed, looking out there into the vastness of time and space had made her wonder about something that had suddenly come to mind, she was about to ask a question and he could tell this was _not_ going to be an easy one to answer...

"Doctor," she began, "Remember when you wanted to ...make me forget? I was just wondering, still wondering, how many times have you done that?"

A distant lifetime and the name Donna Noble flashed to mind, then he recalled a story of a woman called Clara. It played through his mind as sure as he played the chords to that song on his guitar, and he shook his head.

"Sometimes we become stories," he told her, "I knew a story about a woman named Clara Oswald... It was so real I wonder if it really was a story..."

He paused, looked to the view of space as starlight reflected in his blue gaze and the shimmer of the Tardis lights sent colours sliding through his silver hair. In that moment he was gone, he was somewhere else, Bill was sure of it. Then he blinked it away and looked into her eyes as he spoke softly.

"In the story the Doctor wanted her to forget but she made him forget... or maybe he took a gamble. It would have been far more risky than she knew but something happened... I feel that she wasn't a story. I'd know her if I saw her face again."

Bill thought on all he had just said.

"Why tell me a story when I was asking about forgetting? About you making other people forget? I was asking what you've done, not about stories..."

The Doctor suddenly felt weary. He gave a heavy sigh then turned to the view of space and starlight as he ran his fingers through his silver hair. In that moment he looked elegant, his tall, lean physique flattered by his dark suit as he stood with a far away look back in his eyes.

"Sometimes I dream of a raven," he replied, closing his eyes tightly as the memory of the dream brought it to life in his mind, black, heavy, dragging down darkness with the sweep of its wing as it passed him by and drew the world down into darkness, "It makes me think of the endless, eternal starless night of death... and I can fight it and keep fighting it but eventually it's like sand in an hourglass. Nothing lasts forever."

Bill's eyes widened as she looked at him in confusion.

"Okay... that was a bit spooky. Poetic, but spooky. I don't have a clue what you just said but it made me shiver."

He smiled and shook his head as a hint of sadness came to his gaze. So much ran through his mind in that split second that it would have been impossible to explain, as impossible as the story of Clara had been:

 _The way she had surprised him with a hug and he had grabbed her and turned her to face him, caught a look in her eyes that matched his own and spoke to his twin hearts as he had pulled her close and they had kissed as the lights shone glowing in an alien hue, then he had taken her by the hand and led her back to his bedroom._

 _There had been a look of surprise about her that day, Clara liked to be in control but she had not been expecting this and as he lay back on the bed and pulled her down closer she had caught her breath, then he had smiled and so had she, as he spoke softly as he held her in his arms._

 _"Nothing to say, Clara?" he had murmured as he reached up and swept her hair away from her face, "Not like you at all. Have I finally found a way to shut you up?"_

 _Her dark eyes had filled with a look of love and she had replied with a kiss, then as she started opening up the buttons on his shirt he had laughed._

 _"Slow down! We have all the time we need."_

 _Meeting her dark gaze again was almost too much for his hearts and his body to bear as the need for her ached body and soul as she opened up another button and pushed his shirt open then placed a kiss on his chest somewhere between his racing hearts._

 _"I'll take my time," she said tenderly,"I'm going to undress you slowly... just lay back, show me everything..."_

 _The touch of her fingertips as she brushed them across his chest felt so good it was almost unbearable. That was the moment all tension left him and the floodgates had opened as he gave a sob and pulled her closer._

 _"Clara..."_

 _She silenced him with a kiss._

 _He had wanted to say he loved her._

 _He had told her later, on Gallifrey._

 _By then her heart had stopped beating and nothing would restart it..._

 _By then there had been no time, it had been too late._

 _Clara was dead, yet living between breaths, between her last heartbeat, that was what he had told the waitress in the diner that had vanished along with the sound of a departing Tardis. But it was a story...just a story, that was all..._

"Doctor?"

He blinked and Bill's face came into focus.

"Sorry, I was just thinking..."

"About that story?"

"Yes..." he turned to the controls and began to run his hand just above them trying to look busy as he wished that sweep of a raven wing would not cloud his vision then turn the world around him down to pitch back and the silence of death. _Black smoke had poured from her mouth, the lips he had once kissed parted as eyes devoid of life no longer shone and her life was drawn from her body. Clara Oswald had died..._

And it was just a story. But if he saw her, he would know her, he was sure of it...

The thoughts kept revolving until Bill spoke again.

"So, this Clara... you say she was just a story but you also said you were there, so maybe it wasn't a story?"

Her reasoning was casting doubts into his mind and he wished she would stop trying to put pieces together that he couldn't make sense of, because vague feelings of confusion and pain were darting about his mind like fish in murky water and he wanted the darting to stop.

"I said the Doctor, I didn't say _me_ , I just said, in a story... _why_ are you asking me so many questions about it? We're in the Tardis, in flight, about to land on a far away planet many years into the future, where hopefully, we should be arriving at a peaceful time in the history of earth colony settlements."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked.

"How about, this is exciting? That sounds much better than dragging up old stories of the past!"

"But how do you know for sure it was just a story?"

He leant heavily on the console and for a moment she caught a flash of tension and a hint of patience wearing thin. It was there in his stiffened body as he leant hard on the console, the look in his eyes as he met her gaze was unmistakable.

"Sorry," she said quickly, "You're right – I should leave your past alone."

"My past? I think I remember someone called Clara but I can't find her, I can''t recall much about her... just moments."

Bill smiled knowingly.

"So how do you know she was just a story? She could have been a real person, maybe everything you remember actually happened! In the story, what was she to you? Friend, or..." she stopped there, catching a guarded look about him.

"Sorry again," she added, "Yes, this future world does sound exciting and I'm glad to be going there. I'm really looking forward to it."

She smiled, but the Doctor didn't.

" _I loved her."_

His admission had been made in a voice heavy with emotion and the look in his eyes carried deep loss.

"I'd say it again but I've already said it twice -"

"No need to apologise Bill, it was probably just a story."

Then he threw a lever and the Tardis landed.

* * *

As they stepped out of the Tardis on to a pathway that overlooked a hillside, the view of white sands and sparkling water reflecting sun was dazzling. Salt was in the air and the breeze was warm as it ruffled the Doctor's hair. He glanced at Bill and saw that look of wonder was back.

"This is an established Earth colony – humans have been here for five hundred years and as I thought you might like to see the town, we'll take in the beach later on. This way."

Bill hurried to catch up with him as the Doctor walked on ahead, leading the way to the top of the hill where the road led towards a town of gleaming white buildings, the taller ones with shining metallic towers and wide glass windows.

"It's beautiful!" Bill said as she looked at the sight of the dazzling buildings gleaming in sunlight. The sky was blue and the air was fresh and clean and like nothing she had ever known on earth.

"It's so... _new_ here!"

"No pollution," the Doctor replied as he took off his jacket, opened up a couple of buttons on his shirt and enjoyed the feel of the breeze as it took off the heat of the day.

Bill took her phone from her pocket and started taking pictures of the fields, the sky, the city in the distance. The Doctor allowed her a few pictures and then as they walked on he placed his hand on the phone and lowered it.

"No," he reminded her, "You won't be posting these anywhere online back home – even a picture could change the future, it probably won't but I think you might want to keep that in mind."

"Oh yeah!" she said, switching off camera mode and stuffing the phone back in her pocket.

The Doctor looked away across the fields as he smiled knowing there was nothing Bill could do here that would harm the future – but with technology so readily at her fingertips, tech that would work instantly back on earth, it was probably better to play it safe, because she loved to take pictures and film of everything, everywhere they went. He guessed in time that urge would wear off when she had been travelling for a while, but for now he would allow her a few pictures, because one day he was sure the pictures would stop.

 _Nothing lasted forever._

The Doctor blinked, caught his breath and stopped abruptly as the sweep of a raven wing wiped out the sunlit planet and the nearby town as stars were wiped from the sky and all was black as the mist that had escaped the lips of Clara Oswald.

He couldn't stop seeing her lying there, dead and gone.

 _Clara, I can save you..._

Those words echoed about his mind as he reached for her, pulling her back from the moment of death and then...

"Doctor, are you okay?"

Bill's eyes were filled with concern.

"I'm fine."

The Doctor straightened up, felt the breeze against sweat that had run down his face and as it passed through his dampened hair he was glad to be revived by it. There was a pain deep inside his head that had cut through like a knife had been driven in, but now it was throbbing away to a vague and fading ache. And Bill looked scared.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

He put his hand on her shoulder and forced a brief smile that Clara would have seen through right away but to Bill, she was new, she didn't know him very well, she wouldn't see through his lies when he needed them now and then..

"Where did that come from?"

"What are you talking about, Doctor?"

As she stood there bewildered he swayed on his feet, then took another breath that he let out slowly, feeling thankful the pain had melted away.

"The thing... about Clara and me and the raven...I saw her but I can't see her face any more...what was that?"

Bill shook her head, pushing aside a momentary flash of panic as it dawned on her that he didn't look right, he was pale and sweating and unsteady all of a sudden and she was miles and years from home...everyone she knew was dead right now on earth, she was in the future, as far away as she could be and the only person who could take her home again was ill...

 _He was unwell. There was something wrong with her friend._ She clung to that realisation as she decided she would have to keep a close eye on him as they made their way down the road that led into to the town. He seemed steadier now, but he was still pale and his hair was damp with sweat.

"I don't know...some sort of memory, maybe? Of a story?"

The Doctor seemed confused as he thought on it, then he nodded.

"Probably," he replied, then said no more about memories or stories, or gave any thought to which ever they might be.

* * *

As they made their way into the town, wide windows boasted shop displays of clothing and fabrics the likes of which Bill had never seen before, such textures and shades that she couldn't help but stare in amazement at the dazzling displays.

"There's a market just up here," the Doctor said, indicating to a wide square further up where market stalls were colourful and seemed to go on for more than a mile.

"Maybe we should take it slowly," she replied, "I want to take my time."

"Good thinking," the Doctor replied, then as the sun hit the white walls of the shops on either side, his headache vaguely throbbed and he put on his sonic glasses to block out the glare. Then he and Bill walked on towards a shop where there was a canopy offering shade and some empty seats. A waitress came out and picked up empty glasses and went back inside.

"Just what I need," Bill told him, "Something cold with plenty of ice!"

"Me too," the Doctor replied, his gaze hidden behind his shades as he stayed fixed on the sight of the cafe, where a waitress had just gone inside.

There was something about the waitress that had triggered another vision in his mind...a memory yet not a memory... He was sure she was still there inside his head. He was sure if he saw her again he would knew her...

But there was no memory, it shifted like sand as something inside his head shifted with it, like a rip his recollections where something had been torn out or torn apart had just started to reassemble. He felt like there was a small fire burning somewhere inside his brain as he sat down in the shade of the canopy and Bill sat beside him.

"Are you okay?"

He was sure she had asked him that question on the road...Or had she said that in a story? Or was it some chords of a song? His mind was fogging up.

"I'm fine," he replied.

Then as the waitress came over and asked what they wanted to order, he stared at her uniform and then at her face and felt sure this was not Clara, yet although he could no longer picture her face, he was sure he had seen it before and would know it again...

"Okay," Bill was saying, "Something bright with lots of ice... and no alcohol, he's driving.."

"I don't drive the Tardis I fly it," he said, still perspiring as he took off his glasses, put them into the pocket of the jacket he had draped over the back of his seat, then he looked at Bill and noticed she seemed worried.

"I'm fine," he said again, "What did you order?"

As they sat there in the shade, people walked past coming back from the market, all dressed in light, comfortable clothing, the colours varying in all shades.

"Some multicolour multi flavour slush," she replied, "You look like you need cooling down."

"This planet is well known for its fine fabrics," he replied, "We'll have to see the market before we leave. What did you say to me on the road?"

Bill blinked.

"Sorry? The road?"

"Before we came here, did you ask me if I was okay?"

She frowned as she thought back to how he had suddenly become unsteady.

"You know I did."

Suddenly that pain was back and it made more sense to try and stand, just so he knew he could, and maybe his head would stop spinning, that was what the Doctor hoped for as he got up from his seat.

"I need some air," he said, swaying as he opened up another button on his shirt and sweat tricked down his face, "I'm okay, I just need some air..."

Then as he slumped to the ground Bill's chair scraped back sharply as she got up and looked down at him in alarm. He was on his side on the paved ground, not moving, his eyes closed, his breathing shallow.

"I need some help!" Bill called out, looking a round sharply as the door opened and the waitress set down the iced drinks and then looked to the Doctor in alarm.

"I'll call for a medic!" she said, and hurried back inside.

Bill sank to her knees beside the Doctor as passers by began to gather. A woman knelt beside her and felt for a pulse and told her he was still breathing, a man touched her shoulder and asked if he had been drinking, then the waitress called out that help was on the way.

Bill was sure if the shock ever wore off she would always remember the kindness of the people of this future world who all wanted to help, but right now all she wanted was for the Doctor to open his eyes.

She wanted him to be okay and get up and fly her back to earth, she wanted to go home. But more than anything, she just wanted him to be okay, the rest could wait - that was her main thought as she looked down at him and ran her hand over his hair and spoke to him, but the Doctor remained unconscious.

"Please don't die," she said quietly as she looked down at him, "What ever has happened... just try and hold on... please hold on!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 _It hadn't meant to be this way, it had meant to be fun._ This wasn't fun, this was the worst, that was all Bill could think as she sat in a corridor and waited for news. Help had arrived fast, a high speed medical vehicle had taken them both to a nearby hospital – the place was vast and she had lost count of the floors the lift had climbed as she stood anxiously looking on as the Doctor remained unconscious. After they had taken him into a treatment area, she had been asked questions and had barely been able to answer any in a way that could be helpful: _Does he have any pre existing conditions? Has he taken a recreational substance, has he been drinking recently? Did he show any sign of symptoms before he collapsed?_

Bill had looked to the female medic in despair.

"I don't know...I haven't been travelling with him long. There's no way he's taken anything. No way he's been drinking, either... He was dizzy on the way to town. Then he seemed alright again... and then he wasn't."

That was all she could say, and she felt useless for it as the woman walked away in a uniform as white as the floor and the walls of this white washed building.

Bill got up from her seat and went over to a window and looked out at the sight of the green fields beyond the dazzling buildings and the splashes of colour in the marketplace, far off were the cliff tops and somewhere below it was the Tardis. She had never wished more to be on her way back home than she did at this moment...

After a wait that seemed longer than the half an hour claimed by the clock on the wall, the medic returned.

"Are you his next of kin?" she asked, and Bill felt the floor drop from beneath her feet as just for a terrible split second, she thought he was gone.

"Why?"

"We just need to know before we can discuss treatment options."

Bill breathed a relieved sigh.

"Yes, I suppose I am...he's got no one else here..."

The woman looked at her thoughtfully.

"He's your father?"

"No -"

"I'm so sorry... your partner, then..."

"Friend," Bill stated, "My friend. Please tell me what's wrong with him."

The woman hesitated, then gestured to a nearby room where the door was open and inside were comfortable seats.

"We should go to a private room and talk."

"Fine," Bill replied, swallowing hard as she followed her and the thought came to mind that she was being led to some kind of relatives room and that had to be a bad sign, it always was on TV...

* * *

They went inside and the medic closed the door, then as the pale blonde woman regarded the younger, darker woman thoughtfully, she asked a question.

"Are you both alien?"

"Alien?" Bill repeated, "No, not me, I'm human. He's alien... is there a problem with that? You can help him, right? Please tell me you can help."

"We haven't seen his species before," she replied, "But we have on occasion treated other species here – just not his kind. Your friend is very ill...What is your name?"

"Bill," she said nervously, dreading whatever would come next because clearly the woman needed her name to break the news.

"Bill," the woman said, "The Doctor – what is his real name?"

"Just the Doctor."

"Well Bill, the Doctor is very ill. We scanned him and there's clear indication of a tear deep inside his brain that is consistent with the use of a certain device. Are you familiar with memory wipers, because it would seem he may have used one a long time ago and it wasn't configured for his species, it seems to have been set up for human use. It caused an injury that I can only liken to a time bomb inside his head. He must have known it would have been dangerous to use a wrongly configured device. We have seen selective amnesia program injuries before – but you must understand the type I'm familiar with are basic devices. This one was highly advanced, intricate. It would have been something beyond our technology most likely from his own species. Do you know if he's ever used such a device? Was there an event in his life or a personal loss that he wanted to forget?"

"Clara..." she murmured as suddenly the pieces started to fit.

"What did you say?"

Bill shook her head.

"All I can tell you is it's very likely he has used a device but I don't know why he would have made it so dangerous...he must have known it was incompatible."

"Sometimes people are so desperate to forget they don't care about the risk, or perhaps he knew it all the long," she replied, "This device has caused a life threatening injury. I'm sorry but you must prepare for the worst outcome because I can't promise he will come through this."

Bill blinked away tears.

"I haven't known him long," she said as emotion choked her voice and she thought of the places they had been, the dangers they had encountered, the strength of what had become a deep friendship... Then she started to pull herself back together as her tears stopped and she remembered treatment had been mentioned – that meant there was still hope...

"You said there are treatment options?"

"The route I would prefer to take is surgery but as I said, I'm not familiar with his species. A safer alternative would be drug treatment to stop the swelling and this would mean he has a chance of recovery but will require absolute rest for several weeks. Please remember I said there is a _chance_ of recovery. Nothing is guaranteed, your friend has a very serious long standing injury and adding the fact that he's not of a species I'm familiar with, I can't even guess at his chance of survival, or of full recovery."

Bill nodded, but now hope shone in her eyes.

"Okay, so do what you have to do, he's got a chance."

"But please remember nothing is assured," she reminded her, "He will be on a combination of powerful medications to aid healing, this means his condition will improve vastly and rapidly if it's successful – but this is just an indication it's working and he must rest - if he doesn't, the result could be fatal."

Bill thought about the Doctor and how well she knew him – he wasn't a man to want to keep still for long and she guessed the task of taking care of him would be difficult, he would want to leave as soon as he was well enough to get up again...

"I'll go and prepare the medication," the medic told him, "You can see him now, he's in and out of consciousness and seems very confused. Don't be surprised if he's emotional or talks about things that seem to make no sense, the effect of the injury worsening will undo the memory wipe. He's remembering all the things he damaged his mind trying to forget."

"Just take me to him," Bill said.

"This way," the woman replied, then Bill followed her down a long white corridor as she silently worried for the Doctor – and his motives for causing himself such an injury in the first place. She had a theory, and she didn't like what she had worked out...

* * *

Bill waited until she was left alone in a room as white as the corridor outside, then she shifted her chair closer to the Doctor's bed and spoke to him quietly.

"Are you awake?"

The Doctor was on his back, sheets up to his waist, he was undressed and what she could see of his upper body certainly told her his lean, toned build suggested he was in good shape, but his eyes were closed and his face was pale. Machinery set at the other side of his bed seemed to be tracking vital signs, but she saw no wires to link him to those machines.

"Doctor..."

He turned his head towards her voice and slowly opened his eyes. It was then she noticed his eyes were red and tearful and as he spoke he gave a weak sob as a tear ran down his face.

"I remember it all...it wasn't a story, Bill..."

As he gave another sob she wanted to brush that tear away but he reached up with a shaking hand and she grasped it reassuringly.

"You used a memory wipe to forget Clara?"

He blinked several times to clear his vision, pulling back on the urge to weep as he focussed on her face.

"I loved her, but she died...I was supposed to keep her safe and she died...I pulled her out of the moment of her death, there she was trapped between the last beats of her heart...I couldn't get her pulse back, couldn't get her heart started..."

He closed his eyes as he cried softly, clutching Bill's hand as he fought through the pain of returned memories and the pain inside his head as he willed himself to just stop sobbing enough to be understood.

"So she died," Bill said softly, "I'm sorry, Doctor..."

He snapped his eyes open.

 _"She's not dead! She stole a Tardis with Ashildr, the Viking girl...the immortal girl...Clara was right in front of me and I couldn't recognise her! It was a diner, an American diner... their Tardis... they could be anywhere now...she's flying around the universe through time trying to avoid the moment of her death...I have to find her!"_

Then as more pain took over his grip on her hand tightened as his breathing grew fast and shallow, then as sweat made his pale skin shine he breathed a relieved sigh and the tension left his body as the pain eased up again.

"Tell me about the memory wipe," said Bill.

"I wanted her to forget me. She said she wanted to keep her memories so we both used the device at the same time – it got me...me, instead of her."

The Doctor was weak and upset and this was the worst time to ask – but after what she had been told about his chances, it could be the only time and she needed to know, so Bill asked him a direct question.

"They scanned you when they brought you in and they know what an amnesia device can do – especially the damage if it's wrongly configured. They said it was set for human use. You agreed to to take that chance with Clara knowing what would happen if you got the short straw?"

She expected anger, instead his eyes filled with tears.

"If I had to forget her and lose her, what was the point?" he said quietly.

"You wanted to die, you knew this would happen?"

"I was hoping it would have done its job a few days later. Now I wish I'd never been so stupid..." he drew in a shaken breath, "My kind can regenerate – we die... but become a new person. I'm not sure how many lives I have left. Maybe none at all. I can also put myself into a coma to self heal injuries and I've tried... but it's not happening...I've really done myself some damage...and all I want to do is find her, I just want to find Clara..."

He gave another sob and started to weep, then his hand trembled as a wave of pain hit, and he took a few gasps of air and let go of her hand, slipping back into unconsciousness as the monitors next to the bed stayed in a rhythm of double heartbeats that took the fear out of the moment as Bill realised he was still alive, he was just passed out again.

As the door opened and the female medic returned, Bill felt relieved to have her company as she looked anxiously at the Doctor.

"He passed out," she said.

"I told you he was in and out," she replied, "He may not wake for a few hours now, there's sedative in this medication, he has to rest... I'm going to set up the IV now."

"Okay," Bill said, feeling hopeful once more, "You do that...I'll wait here, I'll stay with him, I'm not leaving him alone, he needs reassurance."

"Remember this may not work."

Bill wished she had not picked up on the tone of caution in the medic's voice.

"I know," she replied, "But I choose to hope for the best – that's what they do where I come from, we try and stay optimistic."

Then she watched as the IV was set up and the fluid began to run down a tube and into the Doctor's arm. While she watched she focussed only on hoping for the best, feeling too afraid to think of the alternative...

* * *

Bill stayed at the Doctor's bedside until the sun had set and shadows of dusk had drawn in outside. Then she had thought about going back to the Tardis, but one look at the Doctor who was still unconscious was enough to remind her that comfort of a soft bed and a decent nights sleep could wait. Then she closed her eyes, and when she woke up again, the room was glaring white with early morning sunlight streaming through the windows.

She blinked away sleep, looked to the monitors that showed the same steady rhythms, then she looked down at the Doctor. He was still not awake. She gave a sigh.

"I just want you to wake up and be okay," she remarked.

"I _am_ awake."

He dragged his eyes open, closed them again as the light hit his vision and pained the ache in his head, then he tried again, slowly and painfully as his mind felt fogged up and his thoughts settled once more on all he had lost and then regained – memories of Clara were strong.

"How are you?"

He had heard her, but as she made a move to get up he caught her hand, so she sat down again.

"I need to get out of here..."

"Not yet, you're not ready. You have to rest. I'll make sure you do!"

He smiled fondly and then tried to focus on pulling his thoughts together, but his mind was full of Clara and the thought of her was almost enough to block out the pain, although it did little to push away his regret at his own actions that had led to this.

"I loved her, still do," he said weakly as the pain slowed his speech as much as the drugs in his system, "Let me tell you about her... I made love to her, Bill. I knew her for so long and there was...there was always something... that got in the way or someone... but in the end, just before the end that I didn't see coming, I took her to bed..."

His words were punctured by gasps as he took in weak breaths, but his hand stayed tight in her grip as she looked at the Doctor and thought how he really wasn't himself right now – he had never spoken so intimately about anyone before...

"I know you love her," she said kindly.

He gave a sigh as he started to perspire again. His face was pale and Bill wondered exactly when this sudden improvement would kick in because it certainly wasn't showing yet, and that worried her.

"Just to be with her, hold her in my arms...it's all I want...I cried when we made love. I cried afterwards, too. In all my many years I've rarely known a love that deep...I can still feel her warm beside me if I think about it..."

He closed his eyes and smiled, then gave a seductive stroke to the back of Bill's hand, and she gently drew it away from his grasp.

 _"I just want to hold you again,"_ he whispered as he started to drift into a deep sleep, _"Feel you shaking in my arms...taste you down there again, I want to hear you cry out... I want to be inside you forever...lose myself in you...just the two of us, as one, it's not fucking, it's so much more, it's real, it's truthful, it's honest... "_

"Well just remember I'm _not_ Clara, I'm Bill!" she said, softly laughing off his mistake.

It was then she realised she was blushing : _Wow, the Doctor could certainly talk dirty with passion when he was semi conscious..._

"I'm going to find her...I need to find...my Clara..." he whispered, then he was sleeping deeply once more.

That was the moment Bill realised everything had changed:  
If he did recover, he couldn't undo remembering the woman he loved. Lost memories had been found and he would want to find her, too.

"You need to get better first," she said under her breath as he slept on and she quietly worried, because he was showing no sign of the recovery she had hoped for, and even if he did improve, he had a long way to go before he would be well enough to go looking for his lost love.

But this was something he wouldn't let go of, she knew it for sure, she felt it in her bones, as weak as he was, the Doctor's mind was made up - if he lived, he was going to find his Clara...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Doctor slept for hours. Bill finally left his room guessing it would be a while before he woke up again, and that was something she didn't want to think about too much because as things stood, he seemed to be making no improvement at all. She went down the corridor, turned a corner and found another seating area, at the end of that corridor was a lift and she considered taking it to the ground floor and taking a walk outside. That fresh air had been so wonderful, it had all been so exciting until _this_ had happened...

 _But the Doctor wasn't out of danger yet._

Bill cancelled plans of going outside and sat down on white padded seating next to a wide window. She gave a heavy sigh and looked down at the floor, the light reflected off the polished white and the lack of colour seemed to eclipse everything save for a red sign on the wall with some white lettering and a circle with lines through it, she didn't bother to read it, instead she just sat there, her heart heavy as she thought of the Doctor. If he died, that would be even worse than knowing she would be stuck here forever...

Then she heard footsteps approaching. Her head was still down and she gave a sideways glance. A man was walking up the corridor, he wore a grey suit and that was all she noticed as she looked down at the floor, lost in her own thoughts.

Suddenly he was in front of her, and he placed gentle fingertips on her temple.

As she gave a gasp he spoke softly.

"Please... just keep still. I'm here to help and offer my services, I could feel your sadness from two floors down!"

Bill jerked back away from his touch, got up sharply and looked in alarm at the stranger who had just walked up to her and touched the side of her head like he was trying to read her mind...that was the first thought she got as she looked into his dark eyes and he looked back at her.

"Don't touch me, I don't even know you!" Bill said.

The man stepped back respectfully and smiled a charming smile. She couldn't put an age on him but he was younger than the doctor, with not a trace of grey in his neat brown hair. There was something about the look in his eyes that shook off her fears and suspicions, he had an aura of gentleness about him, so much that she almost apologised for speaking so sharply, but decided against it.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"My friends call me Drift," he replied, "I'm half human, half Veytanian -"

"Half what?"

"This planet is Veytania Five, don't you know what planet you're on?"

Bill shook her head.

"My friend collapsed before he could tell me where we'd arrived."

"I'm so sorry," he said, understanding reflecting in his gaze as he stepped closer, "Your friend.. of course, that's the link! I couldn't understand it at first... I knew it wasn't a husband link...you don't feel like the type to want a husband.. perhaps a wife, yes? But not a husband... you care about him deeply. He's very ill."

Bill's eyes widened as she looked to the strange man who knew far more than he should.

"How are you doing that?" she asked.

"I'm a psychic, empathic half Veytanian which means I can read your mind and feel your emotions and see images of those you are thinking about. But I can't do an exact copy because I'm only half Veytanian -"

"I don't understand what that means."

He pointed to the sign on the wall:

 _No Shapeshifting Allowed._

"You're a shape shifter?"

"Here's my card," he replied, handing her a black card with gold lettering.

Bill glanced at it :

 _Mr Drift, services include compassionate company, loved one replacement and extended stay companionship, rates vary._

"I also offer counselling including bereavement therapy and extras are negotiable."

Bill blinked. She stood there with the card in her hand feeling utterly bewildered.

"No.. you've got this wrong, the Doctor's not going to die!"

"But you fear the possibility," he replied, "And I sense he's come far – so have you – and he's not from around here. He's some kind of species I've never heard of. Could you just picture him in your mind for me, please?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Just do it, I'll show you what I can do. I'm not trying to sell you anything, Bill. I just want to help."

"How did you know my name?" she said in surprise. The truth was starting to dawn on her, this man really did have alien abilities...

"Just give me your hand, close your eyes and picture the Doctor in your mind. Let me see him before this happened, when he was okay. Let me hear him speaking, too."

"Okay," Bill replied, closing her eyes.

As Drift took hold of her hand she recalled standing beside the Doctor as they had travelled towards the planet and he had talked of Clara and how perhaps she had been just a story.

"Okay, thanks," Drift said, "That's enough but let me keep hold of your hand, keep your eyes closed... just wait..."

Bill kept her eyes closed. Her hand was still resting lightly in his grip.

"Can I move yet?" she asked, wondering why she was waiting for something when she didn't even know what to expect.

"Yes, Bill," said the Doctor, "You can open your eyes now."

 _The Doctor had just spoken_.

Bill snapped her eyes open and then she stared at the man who was holding her hand:

He wore the Doctor's suit. He had the Doctor's voice and same shade of silver in his hair – at first glance, he looked like the Doctor – but he was not an exact copy.

"This is my best effort," he told her as he let go of her hand, "I'm only half shape shifter so I can't get features perfect – I look like him, but younger. I don't have his exact bone structure and I don't have mirror image likeness but I'm certainly close enough. You looked at me and for a moment, you thought I was the Doctor."

He had said all of that in the Doctor's voice.

"Yes, you do resemble him," Bill replied, "You sound like him too. And that suit..." she blinked away tears, "I'm scared for him," she admitted in a hushed voice, then as she sat back down he sat beside her, put his arm around her and to weep on his shoulder felt strangely comfortable, as he spoke to her softly and promised he was here to help - and then added her distress was so deep that he had no intention of charging for his services today.

* * *

The Doctor woke up alone, the pain in his head had eased off and he felt a little stronger – but it seemed nothing could ease the ache in his heart as he thought of Clara and knowing how far away she was almost scared him. He blinked away tears and sat up, then he glanced to the IV, noticed it was almost empty and removed the needle from his arm with a quick tug. Blood pooled at the site of the puncture wound, but his only concern was knowing he was strong enough to get up.

Sitting up was easy, getting out of bed took some effort, then he took a few unsteady steps over to a storage unit, opened it up and took out his suit. He had no idea how long it would be until someone came to check on him, but he wasn't planning on waiting around to find out. He felt stronger, at least strong enough to get back over to the bed to sit down and start to get dressed. Clara was on his mind, nothing masked the pain now, nothing killed his need to search for her. He couldn't let her go, his love and the need to find her was burning deep and madly and it was all he could focus on.

Then the door opened just as the Doctor had stood up and zipped his trousers and buckled his belt. Then he turned to the door, standing much steadier as he stared at the sight of Bill and the man who stood beside her, a man wearing a copy of his suit with looks that resembled his own.

"Who the actual _fuck_ is this?" he demanded, oblivious to the look of surprise on her face as he threw on his shirt and started to close the buttons.

"You're...better?"

He left his shirt partly open and grabbed his jacket, put it on and checked the pockets, then looked back at Bill.

"I don't know. I can stand up, that's a start...I need to get out of here."

He paused to straighten his jacket, then indicated to the man who stood beside her.

"Why am I looking at a copy of me, Bill?"

"He means well -"

"My name is Drift, I'm a shape shifter," Drift explained, "I felt her distress so I offered my services."

The Doctor walked over to him, studied him for a moment then turned to Bill.

"I didn't get a chance to tell you before – the indigenous population of this planet can shape shift. But he's not an exact copy of me so I'm guessing he's half human."

"You guessed right!" said Drift in the Doctor's voice, and a flash of annoyance came to the eyes of the time lord.

"I have no trouble with the way you choose to make a living but I'm sure you're aware Bill won't be needing any substitute services...you're really not her type."

"Not her type? I was aware of that as soon as read her! I was simply being kind -"

The Doctor cast him a doubtful glance then looked to Bill.

"Shifters... offering all manner of comfort to the bereaved including personal services especially to wealthy attractive women who might be missing their late husbands...Think of him as a cross between a male escort and an incubus..."

"Now hold on a minute!" said Drift, still in the Doctor's likeness and taking his tone of voice as he stepped closer and anger flashed in his eyes, "I'm not _that_ bad! Okay, there's been the odd personal service now and then for generous female clients, I won't deny it – but most of my work is compassionate!"

"Now you sound like a prostitute. Most of them pay you just to _talk,_ do they, these fragile and grief stricken women?"

"Some of them do!"

Bill had been watching in fascination as the Doctor and the man who resembled him stood face to face as they quarrelled. Then she stepped closer and spoke up.

"Doctor, you said you wanted to leave – you can't leave until you're ready."

"I'm on my feet and dressed. That means I'm ready to leave!"

"You have to rest! I was told you'd improve quickly, and you have. I was also told you have to rest or you could die! Are you really that stupid?"

As those words sounded too harsh as they echoed about the room and added to the ringing in his ears, the Doctor stumbled, feeling a wave of panic as the ground seemed to rush at him – then Bill was there and so was Drift and together they helped him back over to the bed and he had no choice but to sit back down and rest on top of the covers.

"You should get undressed and go back to bed properly," Bill said.

"I'm fine as I am thank you!" the Doctor replied frostily as he sat there leaning against pillows, his thoughts on the Tardis and getting away from this place and quickly, too – because he couldn't wait, not now he remembered everything...

Drift stepped closer to the bed.

"I can only shift to male likeness. I can't do female. Sorry about that, I'm only half shifter, I'm not like those full blooded who can be anyone of either gender. If I could, I'd just be her and stand here for a moment because you miss her. I'm sorry for your loss."

Bill cautiously touched Drift's arm, her hand resting on the copy of the Doctor's jacket.

"I wouldn't say any more if I were you..." she warned him quietly, but Drift was still talking as rage built in the Doctor's eyes.

"I just felt it from you... her name was Clara. I'm sorry Clara is gone -"

The Doctor lunged forwards, aiming a punch that missed by a mile in his weakened state as he glared at Drift and Bill placed her hands on his shoulders, easing him back against the pillow.

"Don't! He's just trying to help!" she said firmly, "You have to stop this right now! You want Clara? Okay, we'll find her, I'll help you find her! But not yet. We're not leaving until you're well enough!"

"I'll leave when I'm ready," he replied, casting a hostile glance to Drift.

"Why is he looking at me like he wants to kill me?" Drift asked.

"Because Clara's not dead... not exactly. It's a complicated story."

"But it's not a story," the Doctor's voice was heavy with emotion as he blinked to clear glazed eyes and he looked apologetically to Drift, "I tried to wipe her from my memory – when I knew we had to part I had nothing left and knew the device wasn't configured safe for my use and by then I was glad of it. I just didn't care about the consequences, but I do now... now I've caused myself some real damage. I've been stupid, but I remember everything - I have to find her!"

Bill sat at his beside as Drift stood beside her.

"Tell me all about Clara," she said, "I want to know what happened. Then once you're well enough to leave, I'll help you find her."

"I may never be well enough to leave," the Doctor replied, "If the healing process stabilises enough for me to self heal it could still be a long process and I'm not prepared to wait any longer than I have to."

Bill had never seen such torment in his eyes.

"Okay," she promised, "As soon as you can get up and walk out of here, as long as it's safe for you to leave, I'll help. But you have to rest, you could die if you don't."

"Bill, I need to fly the Tardis."

"Maybe you need some extra help?" suggested Drift.

The Doctor shot him a weary glance.

"He's stolen my clothes my look, my voice and now he wants my Tardis!"

Bill started to smile.

"He's got a point."

"Which is what?" the Doctor demanded.

"You need to rest," she reminded him, "With two of us to help out, this could be easy."

The Doctor paused for thought. He was still pale and looked weak as his expression softened and he nodded then looked to the shape shifter who had taken on his appearance.

"Very well, you can come with us, Drift. But only because having a shape shifter around can be useful."

He smiled and so did Bill as they exchanged a glance.

"You won't regret this, I promise!" Drift told him.

"If I do, you'll be off my ship and walking home!" the Doctor warned him.

* * *

Bill had started to wonder if she had made the wrong suggestion two hours later, after the medic who had treated him expressed deep concern about allowing him to leave so soon. She had warned that he needed absolute rest, then given Bill a large bag of medication and a long list of instructions, the last one mentioned had shaken her up – if his condition worsened, he had to return because without rest the start of the healing process would become undone. If he didn't rest enough, he had some limited shots of medication to counteract the potential harm, but it was very limited. If he pushed himself to recover before he was ready, he would most certainly deteriorate and die.

"And I have plans to do neither," the Doctor had told her on his way out, then he had stumbled, placed his hand on the wall, refused an offer of help and then as Bill and Drift walked either side of him as they watched him closely, the Doctor made it to the lift, then to the ground floor, then they were out of the hospital and walking towards the road that led to town's exit, where beyond, that road carried on towards the cliff top and the slope where below, the Tardis was waiting.

It was a long and drawn out journey to get back to the Tardis.

The Doctor had stopped frequently, and by the time they reached the slope, he was leaning heavily on Drift, who helped him take the final steps down to the place where the blue box was waiting.

"Bit small..." Drift said as he looked at the police box, then Bill opened up the door and went inside, he followed, helping the Doctor inside, then the door closed and as he looked around in amazement, the Doctor went over to the console, pausing to lean against it as he caught his breath and fought off a flicker of pain that frightened him more than he cared to show.

"I'm setting us on a course to track and follow the trace of Clara's Tardis," he said, suddenly sounding weak, "And then I'm going to rest..."

He hit some switches then threw a lever, then turned away and looked to Bill and Drift.

"I may sleep for hours. Don't wake me unless you have to..." then he shot a warning look to Drift, "And _you_ don't touch anything, understand me?"

The man who bore his likeness nodded.

"Yes, I understand completely."

The Doctor gave a sigh, turning away as he muttered something that sounded like _stop fucking talking like me_ , then he was gone, out of the console room and off to rest.

Drift looked around the console room, then back at Bill.

"This place is huge...inside...Wow, this is some ship you have here!"

"You'll get used to it," she promised him.

And the Tardis continued on its way, gliding through time and space, tracking the signature left in a trail of stardust from another Tardis, as the path was traced through the stars, each moment bringing the Doctor closer to finding Clara... For now, Bill's worries had eased. Drift seemed like a decent guy and wanted to help, and the Doctor was resting as they travelled on...

But behind the closed door of his vast bedroom, the Doctor was _not_ resting...

He was still up, sat at a desk where he had taken out pictures of Clara that had covered the polished surface as he studied each image, all the while the ache in his head worsening as his weakened body felt heavy with the need for sleep. Nothing mattered any more, not rest or recovery – just finding her. His mind was made up, he would find her and do what ever it took, no matter the cost, rest would have to wait because the flood of memories returning had put him in pain worse than the ache inside his head.

He lifted a photograph of Clara and studied it, her soft dark eyes sparkled as she smiled and his own eyes glazed with tears as firelight flickered in the hearth on the other side of the room and reflected in his gaze.

" _I will find you,Clara,"_ he whispered, _"If it's the very last thing I ever do...I'm going to find you again, even if it kills me..."_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The Doctor had lost track of time – perhaps a bad thing for a time lord to do, that thought had crossed his mind as he put away the pictures of Clara, then put on his sonic glasses, adjusted them to link to the tracker in the console room so he could watch as the path of the other Tardis was picked up, then he lifted his guitar and started to play, slowly and painfully as the chords to the song he called Clara filled the room.

He was aching all over, his head kept spinning but rest was something he couldn't afford as the replaced memories burned brightly. He had once taken billions of years to punch through a wall, the pain of that had been bearable and so was this, he was waiting, there was no wall to punch through and he didn't have bloody knuckles but the pain in his twin hearts ran deep. He swayed on his feet, fought against the crushing exhaustion and lingering ache in his head, and kept on playing the notes to the song that haunted him.

As he played, Clara was there in his mind, her voice soft against his ear as they lay together on his bed, talking about their new found closeness:

" _I never thought I'd be close to anyone again, not after losing Danny," she had confessed, "But then I realised, you and and me.. this was different...maybe I've always known."_

" _Always known what?" he had asked as they lay naked together on his bed, the sheets off and their bodies comfortably warm in the glow of the fire and the dim lights above as the Tardis herself kept vision soft and dark as if averting her eyes from the lovers and all they had just shared._

" _Just always known, you and me...one day..."_

 _And that was all she had said._

 _He had wanted to hold her in his arms – only the raw, real kind of lovemaking they had just shared had been enough to cancel out his dislike of embracing, but only for her, now he wanted to hold her forever, but then an alert had sounded from the console room and he had got up and left her there, casting a backwards glance and smiling as she looked amused._

" _Do you often walk about your Tardis naked?" she had teased, her gaze roaming over the sight of his toned body as her eyes darkened with need for more of him, more of them, more of all they had just shared._

" _Only when you're around," he had replied, then he had left her alone in the bedroom..._

That had been their last chance to say what needed to be said at the right time, he had not known it back then, how quickly events would spiral and suddenly Clara would be gone from his side.

He silently vowed that when he found her again, he would never let go. He didn't care that she lived between heart beats and on her final breath, even if her pulse and heartbeat never returned, for the time she had, he would love her, because he had to love her, he would go insane without her and knowing that eclipsed all need for rest and caution. He wanted to fall to his knees and crawl back to bed with the pain and weakness, but instead, he kept on playing the chords to that song...

Then his link to the Tardis console flashed and he set down the guitar and adjusted his glasses, smiling despite his weakness and pallor as he understood the signature had been located. It was far off, but no distance was truly far away with a Tardis in pursuit...

He gave a weary sigh then sat down on the edge of his bed, shaking and trembling as the pain in his mind throbbed again.

"No time for rest..." he murmured, then he ran his hand over his hair, gave a heavy sigh as he kept on watching the reflected view of the tracking system as it came through from the console – they were on the right path now. He looked and felt terrible – _like shit_ , Bill would probably say when she saw him - but they had locked on to the trace left behind by the other Tardis now. He would find her again, and soon...

* * *

"How hard can it be, to find another ship like this one?"

As Drift had asked the question, Bill had noticed some symbols in swirled alien writing lit up on a monitor, along with some kind of star map and a silvery trail tracing through it.

"I don't know how to fly this thing," she admitted, "But that screen that just lit up seems to be tracking something... I should go and tell the Doctor."

"He needs his rest."

"No," she replied, "He needs to know about this. I'm going to find him – you stay there, don't touch anything!"

Drift gave a sigh.

"I won't touch, why would I touch anything, Bill? I don't want us to crash!"

"Sorry," she replied, "It's just that everything the Doctor said about your kind of people..."

"You don't know if you can trust me?"

She looked at him standing there, still shifted into the Doctor's likeness and shook her head.

"Sorry," she said again, "I don't know what to think."

Then she left the console room to tell the Doctor they seemed to be following a trail of light... that could only be leading to another Tardis...

* * *

Far away on a distant planet, an American diner sat looking very out of place on a hillside overlooking an empty expanse of green fields and a forest beyond. Ashildr had left the Tardis, exiting through the diner door and gone out to join Clara, who stood on the hillside, her eyes to the blue skies and one look at her told the immortal Viking all she needed to know – since they had been notified another Tardis was closing in, Clara's thoughts could only be with one man...

"Maybe it's not him," Ashildr said as she stood beside her dressed in black and the breeze shifted her long hair off her shoulder, "He has other versions of himself out there at any given time and place... any one of the Doctors could have noticed a Tardis trace and decided to follow it. Maybe someone needs help."

Clara turned her head and met her gaze as pain and regret shone in her eyes.

"It was fun at first, all this travelling, taking my mind off what really mattered. But I do love him. If he's in trouble -"

"It might be fun," Ashildr replied, "Although having lived as long as I have and seen it and done it all I struggle to find anything new or fun any more."

"I could never be as jaded as you," Clara said, then as the breeze picked up and whipped about the hem of the light material of her summer dress, she folded her arms, set her sights on the horizon of the unspoiled, un occupied planet, and pictured a blue box in her mind's eye.

"My heart should be racing," she said, "Blood singing in my veins, rushing to all the parts that should be burning and aching...instead in my mind, it's happening, but I feel hollow inside. Everything is still."

"And I can't change that," Ashildr reminded her, "You're here against the odds. We've got this far. You're letting a small thing like lack of heartbeat spoil what could turn out to be an exciting day? You don't know which Doctor will step out of that Tardis when it lands."

"I know which one I want," Clara replied, a thousand thoughts she didn't care to share rushing through her mind as she recalled every touch, every moment, the feel of him beside her, inside her, their hearts pounding together... She supposed with no pulse and no heartbeat, with no blood flowing and her stuck in a single moment, there was no chance of orgasm later on, should her Doctor step out of that blue box and take her in his arms...

 _Would he want to?_

She didn't even know how much time had passed for him. Or for her, they had both been flying about the universe in time and space in different directions...

 _Maybe he had regenerated and forgotten her._

 _Maybe it wasn't him at all, not the man she called Doctor..._

 _Perhaps she would never see him again._

 _That was the thought that caused her pain like nothing else, the thought that she would go on like this, half alive in the last beat of her heart and yet not alive and waiting for her time to be up..._

"Even if it is him," she added, "What would it be like now for us? No pulse, no heartbeat..."

"I doubt if he would worry about that," Ashildr replied, "You might, but he won't... not that I think he could ever recall you again."

"I'm going back inside," Clara said, "I need some time alone."

Then she turned away from the hillside, went back through the diner, opened up another door and went through the white console room of the Tardis, then headed up a corridor towards her bedroom.

* * *

Once she was alone, Clara locked the door, then sat on her bed and switched on her phone and went to pictures. She had only kept it for the pictures, and she opened up a photo of the Doctor, he was standing at the console and looking less that happy because he had not asked her to take that photo but she had insisted long ago...

Clara took in every detail of him, his silky, silvery hair, the fine lines around his blue eyes, his lean and firm body wrapped in a suit with a jacket that had red silk lining...

She thought of every moment they had shared on the day they had gone to bed. And after ten minutes with her underwear cast aside and her fingers rubbing gently between her legs, she gave up expecting any kind of sense of orgasm or even arousal.

 _No heart beat, no blood flow._

 _No blood flow, no orgasm, not even a hint of sexual arousal of any kind._

 _Her mind was on fire but her body was still and silent as death._

She wondered if it mattered any more – maybe it wasn't him. Or maybe it was and he wouldn't care that what she used to be able to share with him was gone, he knew she had no heart beat, he would know what that meant, wouldn't he?

She wondered on that question as she put on her underwear and stood up and smoothed down her dress. She felt glad in that moment her lack of blood flow meant no flush to her cheeks, either – there was no sign about her at all to suggest she had been trying and failing to reach orgasm, and she was glad of that because Ashildr had once offered to _help_ after she had confided in her. That had been awkward, telling the immortal that Jane Austen had been a good kisser, but only because they had both been drunk and Jane had dared her for a laugh. Clara wasn't gay and while the immortal Viking's offer of sucking on her clitoris and using the expertise learned over many centuries sounded like a possible solution, she knew the reality of the situation was that even Ashildr's experience with women would not help her to come, because she had no pulse, no heartbeat, her body was too still to accommodate an orgasm. It was a subject she didn't want to bring up again in any great detail.

For the first time in a long while since distracting herself by flying about time and space with Ashildr, Clara thought perhaps this cheating death game wasn't so much to celebrate after all:

If it was her Doctor in that Tardis that would soon land, they could never have what they used to have – his hearts would be aching for her while her heart was silent in her chest, she wouldn't even be wet for him, couldn't welcome him back into her body, in her mind she was on fire with the need for him, but the lifeless body she lived in gave no response at all.

She wondered if it would matter.

Then she sat in silence, wanting no company but her own thoughts as she recalled a man who had loved her like no other – who she could never share that kind of love with again,at least not in the physical sense...

* * *

As he stumbled along the corridor, the Doctor paused to rest against a wall, looking down the glowing distance towards the console room. Someone was walking up to meet him. No, she was breaking into a run and he wasn't surprised because at that moment, he was sliding down the wall as the pain in his head reared up again like a rising beast, threatening to swallow the world into darkness. Now he wished he had stayed on his back, and was still on his back, because instead, he was against the wall on the floor in the corridor and pale and perspiring.

Bill had reached him by now and the worried look he saw in her eyes made him feel slightly guilty.

"Don't look so concerned, it's up to me if I rest or not and I chose to _not_ rest because you really have no clue how many pictures I have of Clara or how often her song goes through my head!"

Bill helped him to his feet, then he rested with his back firmly against the wall as he breathed heavily, a look of alarm in his eyes that was hidden by his sonic glasses.

"You've come to tell me there's a trace and the Tardis is following it. I already know – the sonic glasses are linked to the console room."

"You need to rest!"

"No, I need to speed up the Tardis flight mode so I can reach Clara faster!"

"But you just collapsed!"

"And now I'm on my feet," he reminded her, "Come on, let's get back to the console room before Mr Drift decides to play with our time machine."

She put her arm around him as they walked along and it shocked her just how heavily the Doctor was leaning for support, he was as weak as he had been before the first collapse.

"You really don't trust him, do you?"

"No," he replied, "His type of shape shifter are known for their tricks – charging money to resemble a lost loved one, charging extras for personal services in the bedroom. I've even heard of vulnerable widows getting robbed by companion replacement shifters!"

"But he might not be like that...I felt bad for not trusting him...he seems like a nice guy."

"I'm sure we'll find out before this is over," the Doctor replied.

They reached the console room and he slipped her arm from his waist, promising her he needed no more support, then Bill watched as the Doctor took off his glasses and then worked for a brief time at the console, all the while growing slowly weaker as he paled and twice snapped at Drift as the shifter asked if he was okay. As he stumbled, the Doctor leant on the console, turned his head and shot Bill a warning glance.

"I'm fine!"

"No you're not.." she whispered, exchanging a worried glance with Drift, then watching on helplessly as the Doctor did things his way, ignoring advice, leaving off the rest that he desperately needed, as he watched the screen on the console and the Tardis moved along a path of stardust, following the trail that would lead to Clara Oswald.

* * *

Clara had left the privacy of her room, gone back through the white Tardis control room and then out into the diner. Ashildr was sitting on the counter swinging long legs crossed at the ankles and wearing boots with spiked heels as she sucked on a straw and drank an ice cold milk shake.

"You don't look so concerned," Clara said as she headed for the open doorway, then stood there leaning against it as she thought of the man she loved and silently worried for so many reasons. What was gone was gone forever, even the Doctor had not managed to make her heartbeat return, so why would he bother returning now when her fate was sealed? Sooner or later she would have to return to Gallifrey and face the raven again. Time would catch up in the end...

Ashildr set down the milkshake and looked thoughtfully towards the windows of the diner, as she watched the skies for the Doctor's Tardis.

"What ever happens next, at least you'll see him again – or another version of him," she reminded her, "Also...there's something you haven't thought about."

Clara turned away from the skies and met her gaze.

"Like what?"

"You're assuming the Doctor has somehow regained a memory of you and he's on his way back to find you," she replied, "It's not likely. That memory wipe was configured for human use, not time lord. If something has happened to undo his memory loss that would be a major event like a small bomb going off inside his head, which could kill him, or make him regenerate – and if it went that far I doubt if he'd remember you at all. Or it could cause a devastating injury that could slowly kill him. If something like that had happened, he would be in no fit shape to chase across the universe to find you. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I really don't think it's your Doctor in that Tardis. _A_ Doctor, but _not_ yours. You'd better hope it isn't yours, because if he's remembered you, he could be in pretty bad shape for it."

This was something Clara had not been aware of. She glared at Ashildr as she cast her mind back to the two of them leaving him to wake up and then taking off in the diner shaped Tardis...

"You didn't tell me that before! How could you hide something like that from me?"

Ashildr shrugged.

"It was his choice, I worked out what had happened after he was passed out on the floor. If you ask me, I think he must have known using that device, configured for your use, could have killed him. Once he knew you had leave, he didn't care any more – that's my theory."

"Well you can keep your theories to yourself!" Clara said sharply, "No... he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't harm himself like that over me -"

" _He went to extremes for you."_

Clara's eyes widened as the shock of her words registered.

Then as the sound of an arriving Tardis filled the air outside, she clutched at the open doorway, knuckles white as she looked on as a blue box began to appear and Clara hoped with all her silent heart that Ashildr had been wrong about everything...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

As a second light came on and the swirls on the monitor began to turn as if the spirals were fighting to meet one another, the Doctor smiled as he leant on the console. A trickle of sweat ran down his face and as he stood there he seemed so weak yet fired up by the hope that shone in his eyes as he looked up and across the controls, oblivious now to the concern in Bill's eyes as he sensed a nearing completion to a journey that would end the ache in his twin hearts.

"Almost there...the Tardis has locked on and... we should be there by now...I think I took a slow route...I didn't mean to..."

He shook his head, blinked and hit a couple of switches, then the Tardis controls blurred to hazy shapes and shadows and pinpricks of light and came back into focus again.

"Is he okay?" he heard Drift say quietly, and the Doctor turned sharply before Bill could reply.

"Yes, Mr Drift, I'm not about to crash land, so stop feeling so concerned!"

"But we're both worried," Bill said, stepping forward and just in time placing her hand on his arm, steadying him as the Doctor swayed on his feet, "You look sick, like you did back on the planet – and you're in no fit state to be going anywhere, not yet! I think you need to set this ship on some kind of auto cruise or something and go back to bed – for as long as it takes. You've found her Tardis. You can slow down now."

"You really don't understand, do you?" the Doctor replied, "But you didn't know me then, you didn't know about her -"

"You think I've never loved anyone?"

"No - but you don't know how it feels to be two thousand years old and find love _again_. Time teaches us so much, Bill. As the centuries roll by to fall in love is something even more precious because with every loss and sad ending that wounds me, when another comes along to heal that pain and give me hope, it gives me the will to carry on. She is a purpose for my hearts to keep beating, so don't assume you know everything. You don't know our story, you don't know how she died or I brought her back, how I cheated time to save her! I didn't ask to fall in love. None of us do. But as a time lord, love is something I rarely find on my travels – she's like a precious shining star and I have to make sure it keeps burning!"

 _"And those shining stars are burning because they're dead. You're a few million light years too late. Wish on a star, it's as dead as your dreams."_

The Doctor's eyes widened as his gaze grew angered and he glared at Drift.

"What the actual _fuck_ do you know about love, Drift? Compassionate shape shifter? More like male prostitute for hire, and while we're on the subject of shifting, you can shift _out_ of my likeness, as soon as I've found Clara I'm taking you back – you never should have come along, I want you off my ship!"

Bill shot him a warning glance but Drift, who was still in the Doctor's likeness, stepped forward, his own eyes blazing as he glared back at him.

"You should see yourself! You _look_ like a dying man! Chasing after her is going to kill you! I'm only trying to spell out the facts you won't face up to! None of this is fair on Bill – you should have seen the state she was in over you, I could feel it because that's what I do, I'm empathic, I know she went through hell over you - and she still is!"

 _Bill was afraid for him?_

The Doctor's anger simmered down as he looked sharply to her, right into her eyes as he reached out silently with his mind, feeling all that Drift had claimed, and then he felt instantly guilty.

"I'm sorry."

Bill nodded.

"That's okay, I do understand this is hard for you, I know you want to find her but they gave me limited meds for you...if you got worse. It's not a solution, you have to rest or you won't heal. I really don't want you to die. If you collapse we have to go back."

"As I recall," the Doctor replied, "I'm the only person here who knows how to fly the Tardis."

Bill knew at once that her words had made no impact – the Doctor was too weak and far gone to care for his own safety as he stood there pale and with his skin shining with perspiration, it was in a sheen that covered his face and the back of his hand as he leant on the console, his slender body wrapped in a suit that now seemed to emphasise how fragile he had become as he swayed, but resolution stayed firm in his gaze.

" _I'm finding Clara,"_ was all he said, then he turned back to the console and watched the monitor, as the Tardis followed the trail that would lead to his twin heart's desire. In that moment as determination pushed aside all awareness of his building weakness, he felt invincible. He knew he was badly injured, he knew everything Bill and Drift had said had been true. But after the memories had fallen back into place he had felt the void of life without Clara, and now he knew the truth, his plan was to hold her in his arms, even if it meant he would also die there too...

* * *

Minutes passed by painfully.

As the path of the tracker on the screen shrank and the two swirling masses joined as one, the view was like a blur of two suns colliding and burning up together as the Doctor watched through vision that misted up. The merge made him think of the explosion of orgasm and his body and hers joined together, a perfect moment of bliss as he covered her with the sheer power of his time lord being and she saw a glimpse of that within his gaze as he came hard inside her... Clara had felt his power, his timeless age and seen the essence of him in that split second...

He reached for a lever and threw it hard, the jolt sent a shock wave down his arm as it connected heavily somewhere deep inside the Tardis controls. Then with the familiar sound of the blue box landing, finally the journey was over as the ship fell still and he looked to Bill and Drift.

"I made it," he stated, "Proved you both wrong, too!"

Then he turned away from the console, swayed on his feet and began a slow and difficult walk towards the door. As he leant against the wall, his eyes fixed on the door, he knew his companions had hurried after him, but he looked to Bill and shook his head.

"I need to do this alone," he said breathlessly as sweat ran down his face, then he snapped his fingers and the Tardis doors opened and sunlight streamed in. The Doctor took his hand off the wall, took a step towards that sunlight and his body sagged as he fell hard to the floor, oblivious to everything as Bill said _Doctor_ over and over and he remained unresponsive...

* * *

Panic had taken over briefly, then Bill had looked up from the Tardis floor where she was on her knees beside the Doctor, the warm breeze sighed in through the open door and it was filled with the scent of clean air and a hint of distant flowers.

"We need to find Clara... No, wait... He needs those meds they gave me before we left..."

Bill got up and a flash of panic was back in her eyes.

"I don't even know how much to give him... preloaded syringes.. I've got three."

"Go and get them," Drift said, "I've had some experience with injections I can give him the dose. Then I'll stay with him and you can go and find Clara."

She looked out through the open Tardis doors. In the distance she saw a diner sat on a hillside, standing out stark and alone on the empty terrain.

"I won't have to look far," she said, then she left the console room and Drift spent a few anxious moments beside the Doctor, he opened up a few buttons on his shirt, pressed his hand against his chest and was surprised to feel the beat of two hearts – a rather rapid and racing beat as the Doctor lay unconscious.

"Can you hear me?" he said, but the Doctor gave no response.

"Hurry up, Bill..." Drift muttered, looking nervously about the vast Tardis control centre as he wondered what their fate would be if the only person who knew how to fly this ship died right now in front of him.

Then Bill was back and he breathed a relieved sigh.

"I haven't got a clue how to administer this," she said, and handed him a bag.

Drift opened it, tore off a preloaded syringe set inside a pack divided by perforated lines, then handed the bag and its contents back to her and paused to read the label before opening the pack and taking out the syringe.

"I can handle this, don't worry," he said as he knelt down beside the Doctor pushed up his sleeve and then quickly injected the clear contents of the syringe.

"Sorry about not cleaning the area first but I'm guessing this stuff is to be used in emergencies only... it's a powerful anti inflammatory combined with pain relief. He should come around fast but he needs to rest."

Drift got up from the floor.

"How do you know all this?" Bill asked.

As she spoke the Doctor gave a soft groan and turned his head, then gave a heavy sigh but his eyes remained closed.

"I'm a shifter, a hired companion replacement. Sometimes I'm paid to be with the dying person before they pass away, so they can see how good I am at being them..to make it a bit easier on their loved ones when they're gone. They need that peace of mind, to know I'll bring comfort in their likeness. It's especially helpful when I'm dealing with a family...I've replaced a few fathers in my time and that's the hardest job of all, grieving kids. I know the Doctor thinks all us shape shifters are opportunistic womanisers but he's wrong...well, I'm not denying there's been one or two wealthy and attractive women who have expected more from me but mostly, I do the hardest job of all – I help the bereaved. And sometimes, I help look after the dying too. _That's how I know what this medication is_."

On making that statement, his voice had dropped. Bill felt a creeping sense of dread.

"Dying? So...what are you trying to say about the medication?"

"I'm sorry, but it's not a cure. It's a combination of medicines to ease his symptoms, probably to last long enough to get him back to my home planet where he might be able to have some effective treatment. He didn't rest enough. The healing was undone...We need to go back if he's to stand a chance of surviving."

Bill looked down at the Doctor. His breathing was slowing to an even pace, his face was still pale but the sweating had stopped.

"Looks like the meds are taking effect. You stay here with him, I'll go and fetch Clara."

"But how can we go back if he can't fly this ship?"Drift asked, then he gave up on getting a reply because Bill had dashed out of the door and was running across the field towards the hillside, where there sat a very out of place American diner.

* * *

As Bill ran across the field, at the doorway of the diner Ashildr was struggling to hold Clara back as the grip on her arm tightened.

" _I need to see him, let go of me!"_ Clara yelled as she spun back facing her angrily.

"You don't know who is in that Tardis or who is coming across that field!" Ashildr warned her, "The Tardis could be stolen... and it's capable of tracking us, they might want to steal _our_ Tardis!"

"Clara?"

Ashildr let go of her arm as Clara turned on hearing her name. Then Bill ran up the hillside, only coming to a stop and panting for air as she leant against the door of the diner to steady herself, breathing hard from a run that had left her exhausted.

"Sorry...let me get my breath..."

"Who are you?" Ashildr demanded.

Bill started to get her breath back.

"Are you Clara?"

"I'm Clara."

She turned to her, meeting her gaze as she spoke urgently.

"He remembers you. The Doctor remembers you and all he could think to do was find you again..."

Clara blinked, then looked across the empty hillside.

"Where is he?"

Bill hesitated.

"We should go inside,"Ashildr said, then as Bill followed her into the diner, Clara hurried to catch up, her mind in a dizzy spin as she thought of the man she had loved and lost:

 _The Doctor remembered everything?_

 _He had come to find her?_

* * *

"Where is he?" Clara said again as they stood inside the diner.

Ashildr took a seat by the counter, watching silently as she hoped events would not turn out as tragically as she had predicted, but after her many years of life, it seemed life in general was so damned predictable, but this time she just wanted to be wrong...

Bill stood with Clara in the middle of the diner, assembling her thoughts quickly, knowing breaking news like this would not be easy.

"I'm Bill, a friend of the Doctor," she began, "I travel with him sometimes. I haven't known him long and I knew nothing about you and him until the memory wipe stopped working."

"How could it stop?"

One look at Clara told Bill all she needed to know: _This woman had travelled for years with the Doctor, she had been his lover and knew all about him and could probably fly his ship, too..._

"He configured the device for human use. He knew it could have killed him but he couldn't bear to lose you so he took the chance and he got the memory wipe instead of you and it created an injury...like a time bomb inside his head. That bomb went off recently. He collapsed and when he woke up he remembered everything. He was supposed to rest but he wouldn't do it, he had to find you and we couldn't stop him."

As Clara listened, tears glazed her eyes.

"What are you trying to tell me?" she said in a faltering voice as she glanced over Bill's shoulder for the third time to see through the open doors there was no sign of the Doctor emerging from the Tardis in the distance.

"Where is he?" she asked again, "Just tell me..."

"The memory wipe did a lot of damage, he's got an injury deep inside his head and the meds they gave us before we left can't pull him through. He needs to go back to the planet we just left, they helped him before... he might stand a chance... Drift doesn't hold much hope but I do, I think they can help. He wouldn't wait. He had to find you."

Clara was shaking. Her face had turned pale.

"He's not dying..."

Bill placed her hand on her arm and it shocked her just how hard Clara was shaking, as if adrenaline had just coursed through her body. She looked close to fainting.

"I'm sorry," Bill said, "He collapsed just after we landed. We gave him an emergency shot but it won't save him. He is dying, we have to go back. You should come with us. All he wanted was to see you again."

Clara dragged in a breath as a tear ran down her face, then just as her legs gave way and she fell to her knees on the floor of the diner, she realised in a terrifying moment that she couldn't breathe. She gasped for air, dragging it in sharply as she fought to stop the shaking, then as Bill put her hands on her shoulders and told her to calm down, Ashildr got off her seat and went over to join her.

"Clara..."

She was still hyperventilating, tears streaking her face as she wondered if her limited capacity for breath and pulse and heartbeat meant she could not withstand a shock as great as this.

Then Ashildr stepped closer as Bill moved aside, looking on in confusion as Ashildr knelt down in front of Clara, then placed her hand over the left side of her upper chest as a smile came to her face.

"Oh, he's clever!" she said, glancing to Bill, "You can tell the Doctor he can come out now, it worked!"

As she took her hand away and Clara's breathing strengthened and she took in air and could finally breathe without suffocating, she was still trembling as she looked in confusion to Ashildr then to Bill.

"What... what's this about?"

"It's obvious," Ashildr said, getting up and holding out her hand to Clara, "He thought up this little scenario... wanted to give you a big enough shock to start your heart beating again. And it's worked."

Clara's eyes widened as her words registered, suddenly she didn't need help as she scrambled to her feet, placed her hand against her own chest, then placed fingertips on her shaking wrist as she started to laugh out of sheer relief.

"I'm alive!"

Her dark eyes shone with joy as she looked to Bill.

"He set this up to restart my heart?"

Bill shook her head, and in that moment all joy was drained from the moment.

"I'm sorry," she said, "But your friend is wrong. I'm glad you've got your heart beat back...but everything I said is true. The Doctor is very ill, he may not have long."

Clara was still trembling, but now all trace of relief at her own recovery was gone in an instant as she shook off her shock at the news as her newly started heartbeat thudded quickly, this time out of fear for the man she loved.

"Take me to him," she told Bill as determination burned in her gaze, "He won't die. I won't let him. I lost him once, I won't lose him again!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

She was a woman whose heart had just restarted, but to Clara that didn't seem to be a matter for celebration as she walked across the field, eyes set on the open doors of the Tardis. Ashildr and Bill walked on behind, saying nothing as neither wanted to voice their thoughts when it was clear all Clara wanted to do was be with the one she loved again.

Then Clara stopped walking, she stared in disbelief at the sight of the man standing in the Tardis doorway:

 _There he was, tall and slender, looking elegant in his suit as his wavy grey hair was ruffled by the breeze..._

"You said he collapsed?"

As she spun around and fired that accusation at Bill, all she could do was shake her head, then she looked to the Tardis and understood.

"Wait!" Bill called out as Clara ran off towards the man who was standing in the doorway as she realised too late, "That's not the Doctor...he's a shape shifter!"

Her words were lost on the distance between them as Clara ran on, not looking back.

"You're travelling with a shifter who decided to take on the Doctor's likeness?"

"Apparently he does this for a living – resembles lost or dying loved ones, some kind of compassionate service."

Ashildr shot her a doubtful look.

"I've heard of those...apparently they are, by majority, con men."

"Well that's not a side I've seen to Drift," Bill replied, "he seems like a decent guy."

"Maybe," Ashildr replied, "Or not..."

"Are you always like this?"

The immortal didn't bother turning her head as they walked on and she gave her reply.

"What, disillusioned? The voice of reality, of plain truth? If you'd lived as long as me, life would hold no surprises for you, either. I think Drift is a con nan and I think the Doctor will probably die because he's too far gone to be saved. Maybe he always was, from the moment he toyed with that amnesia device. If I don't seem sad about that, it's because I've seen centuries of loss, it's not because I don't care."

"He's not gone yet," Bill replied, keeping her sights set on the Tardis and her temper firmly in check as they headed towards the blue box and she made a silent vow that she would _not_ start a quarrel with Ashildr, purely for the Doctor's sake - no matter how many times she voiced her doom and gloom theories about everything.

* * *

Clara had run to the the man standing in the door way of the Tardis, colliding with him, pressing her face against his waist coat as the wind blew back a jacket with crimson lining. As his arms gently embraced her, she gave a sob.

"I've missed you!"

"Clara..."

She heard the Doctor's voice, but kept her face buried against his suit.

"I missed you...all I wanted was another chance... to live my life, a chance for us...please tell me we still have that chance...you can't leave me now..."

She looked up, meeting the gaze of a man who looked just like the Doctor.

But not _exactly_ like the Doctor...

Clara blinked away tears that had blurred her vision, he was still holding her and she was too stunned to react.

"You need to say all this to him, not to me," he replied, still using the Doctor's voice, "My name is Mr Drift, I am a shape shifter. I'm in the Doctors form because I offer compassionate service to loved ones of the sick and dying."

Then he looked over her shoulder towards Bill and the woman who walked beside her, getting a deep first impression of the immortal Viking as his eyes briefly narrowed.

"And I'm _not_ a con man!" he added, then he let go of Clara and stepped back.

"You'd better come inside and see the Doctor...he collapsed when we landed and I gave him a shot of medication but it was only enough to revive him partially. He woke up and I took him back to his room -"

"I know the way!"

Clara shoved past him and ran through the console room, leaving Drift standing alone outside.

* * *

By the time she had reached the Tardis corridor, Clara's eyes were glazed with tears again as she hurried towards the open door of the Doctor's bedroom. It was then she stopped, dragged in a breath, wiped her eyes and remembered the vow she had made on the instant she had believed her end had come as the raven had swooped towards her.

This time she wasn't facing death, but the Doctor most likely would – and she needed to stay strong for him. She had the rest of her regained mortal life to weep for his loss when he was gone.

" _I will be brave,"_ she whispered as she approached the doorway, _"I'll do it for you, Doctor...What ever you need, what ever it takes...I'll do it."_

As Clara entered the room, the lights were dim and far on the other side of the vast chamber, a fire flickered in the hearth. The bed was just as she remembered it – a majestic four poster with dark velvet drapes. The Doctor was in bed, the covers up to his chest, he was on his back and his eyes were closed. She looked over to a dresser beside a dark wooden wardrobe made of ebony and covered with ornate carvings that matched the rest of the furniture, and saw his suit was draped over a chair neatly.

Clara sat on the edge of his bed, her mind filled with thoughts of their last goodbye and how the Doctor had kissed her hand as his gaze had locked with hers for what she had believed was the last time, then she took hold of his hand as he slept, and kissed the back of it, then as his eyes slowly opened and he saw her, the ghost of a smile came to his lips as his twin hears filled with love and joy and relief.

In that moment it no longer mattered that he didn't know if he would die, regenerate or recover – Clara was back, she was definitely not a dream because she was gently holding his hand and stroking the back of it as she looked into his eyes.

"I've missed you," she said softly.

"Missed you too," he said weakly.

Then her softness faded as pain reflected in her eyes.

"What the hell have you done to yourself? Bill told me all about it – the memory wipe, what you knew it could do to you! Look at you now, in this state...over us? This is the last thing I ever would have wanted, I love you!"

"I'm sorry," he whispered as his eyes stung with tears, "I couldn't live forever, live on and let you go...I know what several billion years felt like without you...that was bad enough. To think I'd never see you again...never be with you again... Why should I endure any more time alone?"

"And now you're going to get well," she told him, letting go of his hand and leaning closer as she stroked his hair, "You have to."

"Clara," the Doctor said, sounding weary, "Listen to me...I don't know if I can. I think it's too late. It feels too late."

She sat up straight, drew her hand away from him and fixed him with a look that reminded him she did not back down easily, ever.

"Stop talking like that! You're _not_ giving up!."

She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her chest, the feel of her warmth through the fabric of her clothing, just above the softness of a breast that made him long for the past, made him ache in a way that caused a smile as his tired eyes lit up with a brief spark.

"If you run my hand a bit lower this wonderful stirring of arousal might improve...I feel like I could almost get hard!"

He laughed weakly, then as he realised why she had placed his hand there, his expression changed.

He felt it, steady and strong:

 _Clara had a heartbeat..._

She lowered his hand, as it rested at his side she spoke up, explaining more.

"That's right, pulse and heart beat have come back. It was the shock of finding out what happened to you. Want me to give you a shock in return? Take a look."

She turned around and raised her hair from the back of her neck.

The Doctor's gaze registered more surprise:

 _The number was gone from the back of her neck._

She turned back to him, hope and strength shining in her eyes like the promise of something he desperately needed was within his grasp once again.

"Time wore it away. The number's gone. I have my pulse back. I'm alive again. So _you_ have no excuse to give up, do you hear me?"

The Doctor was too weak to move, but hope reflected in his own gaze as he looked back at her.

"Yes, boss," he said softly, "I'll try my best."

Clara nodded.

"Good," she said, "Now, you have to rest. Don't worry about anything and don't get up or I'll tie you to that bed!"

The Doctor laughed.

"I'll hold you to that promise when I'm feeling kinky."

"Rest!" she said firmly, then she leant over him and her kiss was soft and wonderful and made him want to weep with joy, but as tiredness overwhelmed him and reminded him of how his body felt like lead and how strangely detached he was starting to feel from the world around him, he wondered if he stood any chance at all of recovering. Then as he thought on it, he made a decision.

"Clara, listen to me... I'm not returning to that planet...not to die. They can't help me, I'm a time lord, they may have got lucky with the meds to pull me back from the worst of it but I need to try and heal myself. My species can do that, it's an alternative to regeneration – or death. I can't be sure which is waiting for me if this gets worse...I want you to let the Tardis rest here for a while, just let her rest peacefully and perhaps I will too."

A flicker of alarm registered in her eyes.

"No... don't start talking like that!"

He gave a sigh, closed his eyes and as sleep tried to drag him under, he opened them again, looking at her with a weary gaze.

"Oh Clara... listen! While I am resting – and I _will_ rest and try _not_ to die - I want you to promise me you'll make use of Mr Drift. He's been very helpful and I think with his ability to wear my likeness and to understand your worries, he would be a perfect substitute – at least until we know which way this will go."

Her eyes widened.

"Substitute? You're not suggesting I should get... _closer_ to him? Have you lost your mind?"

He smiled as he heard her remark.

"No," he said softly, catching her hand and stroking the back of it with a soft touch of his fingertips, "I just want you to close your eyes and pretend he's me, if you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on... or more besides. It would make me happy – this is what he does for a living, Clara – he can replace me until I'm well enough to come through this."

"And what if you don't make it?"

She sounded scared. It was rare to hear fear in her voice or to see it shining so starkly in her eyes.

"I just want you to have faith in me to resolve this if it can be fixed. I'm a time lord, I stand a better chance if try to self heal, any other intervention will either fail or simply delay the inevitable... Now please, fetch Drift, I need to have a word with him – alone."

For a moment she hesitated, then she remembered the vow she had made on entering this room :

 _What ever it takes, she would do it, to keep him happy, to help him to fight...no matter what he asked her to do...If getting closer to Drift, if her finding solace in his likeness to the man she loved gave the Doctor peace of mind, she would comply with his wishes, anything to lend him strength..._

"I'll fetch him," she replied, "And you have five minutes, then you have to rest or I'm breaking up the conversation!"

The Doctor smiled fondly as he looked up at her.

"Yes boss, I know I have to rest...now just fetch him.." he closed his eyes, "Do it now, before I lose consciousness...please hurry."

He gave her hand a squeeze and then let go.

"I'll fetch him," Clara said again, and he heard her voice as choked and trembling and was almost thankful for the weakness that had over taken him, allowing him to keep his eyes closed, because it pained his hearts to know she was already grieving for the losing battle they both feared he faced.

Then she was gone from the room and he drifted off to sleep as his last thought was Clara, that she had returned and nothing mattered now but trying to stay alive, just so he could be with her for longer, more time, that was all he wanted, more time for time with his Clara...

* * *

" _You wanted to see me, Doctor?"_

On hearing the voice that was like his own, the Doctor opened his eyes, giving a sigh as he dragged himself back up from a darkness that was calling him down into something where he could sink away from the pain and the exhaustion of staying conscious.

Drift had pulled up a chair next to his bed, he was still in his likeness and wearing a perfect copy of his dark suit with scarlet lining.

"Returning to your home planet in the hope of saving me is pointless," the Doctor said weakly, "My only real hope is to use my own inner healing ability – perhaps it will work, but maybe not. My species can regenerate but I have no clue how many lives I have left and if I die and my body renews itself and I become a new man – literally. Clara would lose this version of me forever. The other alternative is my efforts fail, and I die without regenerating. The third possibility – that I recover – is the one that I doubt the most - but the one I'm hoping for."

The Doctor looked up at him, studied the face of the man who bore a close resemblance, holding him intently in his dark blue gaze.

"I want you to do your job, Mr Drift. Become a companionship replacement for me – for Clara. Be there for her in any way she needs you to and if I die do _not_ let her go until you're sure she can go on without me."

The Doctor's words had left him stunned. Drift stared at him for a moment, then he looked about the vast room and thought about the ship and its many controls – something he had no clue how to operate...

"You want me to stay like this, in your likeness, and look after Clara?"

"Yes...I've already told her, I want you to be there for her in any way she needs you – if I'm dying or I'm already gone by all means, let her close her eyes and think of me as you hold her. She's waited long enough for me and if I leave her now it's unforgivable. None of this should have happened, she never should have been allowed to put herself at risk like she did. I'm the one who failed her and I won't fail her now. I need to know you're there for her. Promise me?"

Drift nodded.

"I'm more than capable of doing this," he said, "And Doctor – I feel you blame yourself too much. Let go of that and concentrate on fighting for your survival."

The Doctor laughed softly.

"Please don't waste your time counselling me, Drift. Do you take plastic? I'm happy to pay in advance."

"No... I can't take your money, Doctor. I've travelled with you and got to know you and your companions and seeing and feeling all I do, I would prefer not to charge for my services."

The Doctor gave a weary sigh and closed his eyes, for a moment the rise and fall of his chest was the only indication he was still living, then he opened his eyes and looked up at the shape shifter who wore his likeness.

"Don't worry about the ship...Clara can fly the Tardis. She learned from me, space and time travel."

 _"A time machine..."_

The Doctor blinked, wondering if in that moment his own weakness had made him imagine a subtle change in Drift, his dark eyes registered great interest, the shape shifter's voice had almost slipped out of his copy of the Doctor's tone...

"Yes, a time machine," the Doctor replied, "But if I die Clara can return you to your home planet. And when she is ready to leave you - her reminder of me - the Tardis will take her home too. Please look after her if the worst happens."

"You have my word," Drift replied, and the Doctor closed his eyes once more.

"Thank you," was all he said, then he slid in to a deep sleep.

Drift turned away and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

* * *

As Drift went up the corridor towards the console room he saw Clara walking down the corridor to meet him.

"How is he?" she asked as they met in the middle of the corridor.

"Sleeping well," Drift replied, then he gathered his thoughts, and took hold of Clara's hand as he spoke with the voice of the Doctor.

"He wants me to be here for you."

"I know," she said in a hushed voice.

"And I will do that for him, and for you – in any way you need me to do it," he replied, then he raised her hand and kissed it.

Clara drew away from his grasp, feeling a sharp emotional jolt as she realised Drift had kissed her hand _exactly_ how the Doctor had kissed it moments before she had faced the raven...

"Is something wrong?" he asked, as his instincts told him she had momentarily felt a deep need for his closeness - and had tried to fight against it. That was common, he had encountered conflicting emotions before, they usually resolved one way - in the bedroom, and that would be fine, because the Doctor had expressed his wishes, and given his permission - but it would remain to be seen if Clara would be willing to go that far. Drift silently hoped that she would, but knew it was the way of his kind to wait - it would have to come from her, an invitation he would be happy to accept...

"Clara?" he asked again, knowing at once that his likeness and use of the Doctor's voice was having an effect on her that she found reassuring - even if she didn't know it yet.

She avoided his question entirely.

"I was just talking with Bill – we've agreed not to return to your home planet yet. The Doctor thinks he can heal himself – possibly. Ashildr said time lords have vast healing abilities and maybe he has a chance. So we're going to do this his way. It's probably the best chance he's got."

"I think so too," he agreed, then as they walked up the corridor together, Drift's thoughts shifted back to something beyond his duty as he considered what the Doctor had told him.

"So.. this ship can time travel... tell me more, I'm very interested..."

As they walked down the corridor, Clara spoke of her travels, thankful for the distraction as she felt a strange sense of comfort that Drift was in the Doctor's likeness - and Drift felt a secret sting of guilt at his real reason for asking about the Tardis and its ability to travel through time...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"So what are we going to do now, just wait?"

As Bill asked that question, Ashildr said nothing, she turned from the console and looked to Clara and Drift as they entered the room.

"Yes, we wait. We trust the Doctor, he thinks he can handle this," Clara replied, "And all we can do is hope he's right."

"Can't we do anything to help him?"

Clara instantly warmed to Bill, who clearly cared deeply for the Doctor.

"All we can do is trust him," she replied, "And we wait here and hope for the best. I'm definitely hoping for the best."

Ashildr shot Clara a look, in that moment she read her expression well, the immortal was hoping for a good outcome, but still doubted it would happen.

"Bill," Ashildr said, "It looks like we're going to be waiting around for a while – would you like to come and see a very different Tardis?"

Bill glanced to Clara.

"I don't want to leave if you need help – I mean, he might need help and I want to do what I can."

"I'll be fine," Clara promised, "The Doctor has asked that Drift stays around to help out. Go with Ashildr, get out of here for a while. You need a break from the worry."

And it made sense that Clara was the one to watch over the Doctor, Bill understood that completely as she nodded in agreement.

"Let me know if there's any change."

"You'll be the first to know," Clara promised her, then Ashildr led the way and Bill followed.

* * *

As the Tardis door closed behind them, leaving her alone with Drift, Clara turned to the man who had taken on the Doctor's likeness.

"Look, I know what he's asked you to do but really, I don't think I could get intimate with you. You're not him."

"And that's optional, it's not something he would want you to do, certainly something I would not ask of you if you had no need of it, and the decision is entirely yours," Drift replied honestly, "He just wanted to be sure the offer was there, for you – I suppose as his way of being there for you in every way even though he can't be."

"I do miss him," she admitted as pain reflected in her eyes, "He's still here, he's down the corridor in his room and I feel like its some kind of horrible practise for when he's gone... just him not being here in the console room, him being laid up in bed, I keep looking at the console and I expect to see him standing there..."

She blinked away tears.

"I can't encourage you to hope for the best because the odds are unknown for his recovery," Drift replied, "It would be very unprofessional of me to give you false hope. That's _not_ what being a shifter is about."

"I wish it was."

"I won't lie to you or give you false hope."

As he stood there, resembling the Doctor and speaking in his voice, Clara looked into his eyes – they were darker than the Doctor's, a reminder that this was Drift, the half human shape shifter and not the man she loved, but the more she looked at him, the more his presence comforted her.

"I think it's the suit," she said suddenly, smiling as she blinked away tears, "I keep looking at that suit thinking what a perfect copy it is...and you _are_ helping, I'm not sure why but being close to you, I almost feel as if the Doctor is standing next to me...but I know you're not him, of course."

He smiled too.

"I'm happy to know I'm of help at this time," he replied, "Now maybe we should go and see how he's getting on?"

Clara nodded, still thinking how easily this man was growing on her, how easy it felt to become comfortable in his presence.

"Good idea, Drift," she replied.

"It would be better if you call me Doctor when we're alone together," he added, "It helps the process of acceptance."

Clara hesitated, then she nodded again.

"Okay, the Doctor trusts you and so will I – let's do this your way, it seems to be working so far... _Doctor_."

Then they left the console room together and headed back to the room where the Doctor lay resting.

* * *

"I'm back," Clara said tenderly as she sat on the edge of the bed and stroked the Doctor's hair.

He gave a sigh, roused from a difficult slumber as he opened his eyes, looked up at her and drew in a weak breath.

"I'm trying to go deeper...I can't go deep enough to shut myself down...I should be able to heal myself, but I can't...can't get there..."

As he breathed hard and struggled to focus on Clara, the Doctor pushed the sweat dampened sheet off his body, oblivious to the fact that he was naked and Drift was standing beside Clara.

"I'm burning up... " pain registered on his face, "I can't even force myself to regenerate...the injury is blocking it...Oh Clara, I'm fucked if I can't fix this...I can't go on like this..."

"I'll fetch some spare sheets," Drift said, then he left the room.

Clara took hold of the damp sheet and cast it aside, then she reached for a folded cloth she had left beside his bed next to a bowl of water, she dipped it in and squeezed off the excess and then gently touched the fabric to his brow. The coldness was welcome, bringing relief from the burning pain that seemed to scorch beneath his flesh.

"Oh that feels good," he whispered, relaxing noticeably as she bathed his face, then as she worked her way over his throat and across his chest he closed his eyes and gave a sigh.

"I wish I had more energy... you have no idea what this is doing to me... not sure if it's the cooling effect or your touch, or both..."

He opened his eyes and looked up at her and smiled.

"Keep going...it's by no means a cure but it feels lovely."

Then he closed his eyes again and gave another sigh as she worked her way lower. As the cloth traced a path of coolness down to his groin, he murmured her name with the ghost of a smile on his lips and Clara put the cloth aside and paused to run her fingers through his pubic hair. The feel of her touch was wonderfully reviving, even if only to make him smile as he felt the stirrings of an erection.

"I've missed that," he murmured, "Missed you in so many ways..."

At her touch he was noticeably hardening, and as he opened his eyes again she caught the look that lingered there, he was weak and in pain but still very much alive and certainly this was a distraction from everything that made him fear the fall into the abyss of death, her touch kept him here and now, in the moment with her, with the woman he had once feared he would never see again - her touch was stirring arousal in him that fired up beautiful memories of their bodies together in the heat of passion, back at a time when he had been well. For now, he felt like it was enough to keep him here, to keep him focussed – as long he could feel, as long as she was there and they were sharing this moment, he could survive at least for this moment...

"Clara," he whispered, "Don't stop doing that...I want to feel you touch me...just touch me gently."

She said nothing in reply, her gaze locked with his as her hand gently closed around his hardening erection, he gave a weak cry as she started to gently use her hand on him, urging his weak body to respond to her touch as the movement and the warmth and softness of her closed hand about his hardness encouraged the feelings to take over and cancel out the pain and weakness.

"I don't think I'll last long like this," he said breathlessly, looking down as he watched her hand working on him, "But don't stop...Oh Clara, I've missed you so much..."

She kept caressing him as she leant over him and they shared a kiss, then she pulled back, knowing he was still weak and short of breath – and her attentions between his legs was not helping that problem, but he wasn't asking for a magical cure, just for one more time with her to feel her touch, to know some of all they had shared, perhaps for the last time...

As Drift entered the room he saw Clara's back was turned as she sat on the edge of the bed. The Doctor was gasping softly as her hand worked gently up and down his erection, then he gave a weak cry and panted for air as he came in a strong spurt of white liquid heat over Clara's hand.

Drift quickly stepped back away from the door, keeping out of sight, he listened as Clara spoke softly to him and said something about cleaning him up, then the two of them exchanged soft words and another kiss. As this happened, Drift was still standing near the doorway, looking down at the folded linen he carried in his arms. Drift gave it a while longer, heard Clara say the Doctor needed to rest now, then he tapped on the open door.

"I...hope I'm not interrupting..."

"No, it's fine, come in...I'm surprised you found the linen cupboard so fast, I thought you'd be gone for hours!" she exclaimed, feigning innocence very well as Drift walked back into the room.

He handed her the sheet and looked away, allowing the Doctor his privacy as she covered his naked body with the fresh sheet and made him comfortable, then he turned back and made a suggestion.

"I was thinking, as the first shot I gave you caused a slight but brief improvement, it would make sense to give you the other two shots back to back – it might be what you need to enable the healing process to start. You might be able to shut down and heal yourself."

"The first one did very little," the Doctor replied, "But I did come around and I was able to get to my room so yes, let's try it."

Clara looked at him in alarm.

"You don't know what that stuff might do to you!"

"Trust me, Clara," Drift said, glancing to her then turning back to the task of opening up the packs of pre loaded syringes, "I really do think this could help."

"Or it could be an overdose!" Clara exclaimed.

Drift looked at her sharply.

"I've used this stuff myself! _Don't_ doubt me, Clara Oswald!"

She blinked. The Doctor looked at Drift suspiciously.

"How can you be so sure this wont' kill me? I'm agreeing to this because I have nothing to lose but I'm curious to know why _you_ seem so sure about it. I'm a time lord, I'm not of your species."

"I've used double doses of this stuff myself... I got wounded once and no, I _don't_ want to talk about it - but trust me, this medication was more than effective. A single shot killed my pain and sent me to the stars for a week. You had a single shot and it lasted half an hour, Doctor. A double dose won't kill you – your race is far tougher than mine!"

The Doctor stretched out his arm, turning it over, exposing a vague bruise that was left from the previous shot.

"Make it quick, Mr Drift," he said.

Drift positioned the needle and nodded.

"I'll do the first, then the second. Good luck, Doctor."

"Look after Clara," was all he said in reply, then the needle bit deep and the pain burned into a vein as the contents of the needle were injected. As the needle was drawn out the Doctor caught his breath, looking to Clara as Drift gave him a second shot, pain registered on his face and then it was gone and he gave a sigh.

"Not dead yet..." he murmured, and closed his eyes, the sudden sensation of dragging down into darkness was deep and powerful now and the Doctor went with it, sliding down into the dark, hoping this was at last a healing coma - and not the call of death...

* * *

Clara stood beside the Doctor's bed watching as he slept deeply, she noticed he was still pale but the sweating had stopped abruptly and the fine lines on his face that she had always loved that had deepened when he smiled now looked faint as he completely relaxed, before those lines had been etched far too deeply – now he was out of pain for sure.

"He's too still," she said, "I don't like this...I think something has gone wrong..."

Drift gave no reply as he stood there in the Doctor's likeness, looking on as Clara worried so deeply for the man she loved that Drift felt it like a knife in his chest.

"Doctor..." she said again, this time her voice rose sightly as her anxiety grew, she gave his hand a squeeze, stroked his hair, touched his face and called him again, but he gave no response.

"I think maybe he's managed to get into that healing mode he needed to find," Drift suggested.

Clara's eyes were glazed as she turned from the bed and looked to the shape shifter.

"And what if you're wrong? What if that double dose just put him into a different kind of coma?"

"You have to trust me," he replied, "This is all going right."

"Going right?"

"No wrong choices," he replied, "To take him back to the planet would have been disastrous..."

"But you can't know that, you're just guessing!"

Drift stepped closer to her, glanced at the Doctor who was motionless and breathing slowly, then lowered his voice.

"We should leave him to rest for a while. If he is in a healing coma he needs to be left to heal. Don't risk waking him just for your peace of mind."

He placed his hands on her shoulders, and again she got the oddest feeling, as if the more time she spent with Drift, the easier it became to believe he was the Doctor and not a shape shifted copy.

"Please trust me," he told her, "This is the best choice. If we returned to my planet now, being as weak as he is, the only treatment they could offer him would be surgery and believe me, I _don't_ think that would have gone very well. The injury has prevented him from healing and prevented his regeneration, if he had treatment that went wrong he could end up in a worse situation and stuck with pain and disability for many years before his ability to regenerate returned. It would have been years of misery for him and a life time of sorrow for you, Clara. His species can self heal, I think the shots gave him a window of time to slip into that mode. We have done the right thing. Now we must wait."

His words had been spoken in the Doctor's voice, sounding calm, reassuring and as she looked into his eyes, she nodded.

"I don't know why, but I think you're right," she said.

"I am right, Clara," he replied.

He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her and held her in a solid embrace, where to lean her head on his shoulder and weep against the copy of the Doctor's jacket felt almost like home.

This man who bore her lover's likeness was growing very familiar now, as he held her she hoped she would not in desperation let that line blur and start to think of him as the Doctor, but for now, being in his arms felt safe, in fact as safe as if the Doctor had been holding her.

Clara closed her eyes and held him tighter as she wept, pretending for that moment that her lover was well again, and it was the Doctor's arms around her, holding her in a strong embrace and keeping her safe as she shed her tears. She knew it wasn't really him, but in that moment, desperately needed to believe the man she loved was holding her up, letting her weep against the fabric of his scarlet lined jacket...


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Bill had walked from the brightly lit diner into the console room of Ashildr's Tardis and as she looked around the white room in surprise, she thought how different the Doctor's own Tardis was compared to this.

"It's not like the Tardis I know!" she said in surprise.

Ashildr stood with her back to the console, cast a glance about the room and nodded in agreement.

"It is rather basic as regards décor...and it won't always be a diner... these ships seem to have sticky chameleon circuits - change the outward appearance once and the damned thing won't change again, it just locks. I'm not an expert, but I know how to fly this ship. So does Clara, she's familiar with many Tardis controls. The Doctor taught her. Did he teach you too?"

Bill joined her at the console and shook her head.

"I leave the flying to him – it's his ship. I'd rather have an experienced pilot than try my own luck at it, I've often thought it must take a lot of time to learn. I've never asked."

"But in all the time you've spent with him, he must have taught you something... especially in the days when he couldn't remember Clara..."

Bill caught the look in her eyes and laughed.

"Oh no...No! We're not like that together, we're just friends. I'm not interested in men, not in that way...never have been."

Ashildr's gaze intensified along with a clear flicker of interest, but Bill smiled casually and did not return the unspoken offer.

"I've taken both male and female lovers over the centuries," Ashildr told her, "Men disillusioned me and I never found anything lasting enough to choose to stay forever with a woman, either. I think love and romance is over rated. Mind you, if you'd lived as long as I have, nothing would lend you much hope any more, either."

Bill silently regarded the deceptively youthful woman whose lifespan had stretched back to the days of the Vikings, she stood there dressed in black with that seen it all and done it all, life and world weary expression on her face. Bill wished she could change that for her, but she couldn't put herself in the place of an immortal and imagine what that was like...

"You don't have to be immortal to get weary of life," she told her, "I know lots of people who feel that way who only have one life. I think people should just try and be happy, make the most of things, it's the best way."

"You try living a few thousand years and then tell me if you feel the same, I should have died back in the days of my Viking village – instead the Doctor gave me something called a Mire chip... gave me eternal life. More a curse than a blessing," Ashildr replied.

Bill felt a prickle of anger and as it rose she was unable to hold back from speaking her mind, she didn't know this woman very well at all – but she did know she was ungrateful for all she had been given.

"He saved your life?"

"What of it?"

"He gave you your life back!" Bill exclaimed, "And you talk like you wish you'd died centuries ago! How can you feel that way, when the man who did this for you is fighting to stay alive? The Doctor...he's lived for two thousand years...and he still wants to carry on, to be with Clara, to live his life! How can you talk like that when he saved you?"

Ashildr looked down at the console for a moment, then she gathered her thoughts.

"I've had too much loss," she replied, "It sort of kills the novelty of living forever. Death can put a bit of dampener on most things, you know, even enthusiasm for living."

Bill shook her head.

"Maybe for all these years you just haven't really thought about what you have – or what that means!"

"You just don't get it," Ashildr replied, "I've lived so long I've forgotten the names of those I loved and lost. I used to write journals to save my memories – I had a library full of them – and they mean little to me because my memories are gone, time wipes it all away!"

"Really?" Bill said doubtfully.

Ashildr turned away, suddenly unable to look her in the eye.

"Let me show you the rest of the ship," she said, changing the subject swiftly, "It's huge...and nothing like the Doctor's Tardis. But let's agree to disagree on the subject of eternal life, shall we?"

"I'd like to see more of this ship."

"Then we have a deal," Ashildr replied, and Bill said nothing as she led her from the console room and down a corridor, which wound as long and deep as the corridors of the Doctor's Tardis, but looked very different to all she was used to, it was then Bill let her interest for the ship's interior take over and she stayed silent, all the while wondering what the truth really was – she doubted Ashildr had forgotten those she loved, more like their deaths had been so painful she had chosen to forget...

* * *

The Tardis seemed so quiet and still, almost as if the Doctor was not there at all, as if his presence had vanished entirely from the ship. Even the hum of the Tardis seemed at a lower, barely audible level as Clara took a walk to the Tardis kitchen and then sat down at the table as Drift insisted on making the coffee.

"You don't have to look after me," she said, watching him as he set the cups side by side and took milk from the fridge.

"Yes, I do," he replied, keeping his back turned as he made the coffee, "From the moment I was drawn to Bill's concern for her friend, I knew it was a cry for help I couldn't leave unanswered..."

Then neither spoke as he finished making the coffee, then he returned to the table and set down the two mugs and took a seat and looked at Clara across the table.

"How do you do that," she asked, "I mean, take on another person's likeness so well?"

"My species have been shape shifting for thousands of years," he replied, "They got themselves a bad reputation after the earth settlers first arrived and started building their cities. Back then this wasn't welcomed and so began the years of deceit and thievery, something very easy for a shifter to do. But then we became integrated with the humans and the relationship changed, we found ways to help each other – and we grew closer. I'm half human, the result of many marriages between our two species... and I really shouldn't be talking about me when I;m here in shifter capacity to help you."

"And you just said all that to me in the Doctor's voice. I'd like to meet Drift."

He gave a her a warning glance that was identical to a look she had seen in the Doctor's eyes many times when he tried to avoid a subject and she pushed the point too far.

"For now, I'm the Doctor" he replied, "Let's leave it that way..."

Then as the steam rose from his coffee he looked through the veil of mist, meeting her gaze intently.

Clara sipped her coffee and set it down again, for a moment avoiding his penetrating gaze as it started to remind her of another look he had given her on a very different occasion.

"Don't look at me like that," she said, smiling and then looking up from the coffee, "The Doctor, he gave me that look when -"

"When he slid his chair back like this," said Drift, and drew his chair away from the table but remained seated, "Then he told you to come over here, and he took you by both hands and pulled you closer and you sat on his lap, facing him... "

The memory had given her a jolt that had sent a shock wave of pleasure up her body, as if she was crying out to feel him inside her once more and relive that day.

"You are very psychic," she replied.

"I'm surprised this chair is still in one piece," Drift replied with a fond smile, "And the table, too..."

Clara laughed softly as her cheeks flushed.

 _Yes, that had been a passionate time... kissing the Doctor deeply and then as his erection had pressed solid against her he had slid her off his lap and she had laid back on the table... he had taken her hard and fast, it had been pure lust and desperate need, and when it was over, breathless words of love had been spoken..._

And Drift knew all of this, yet as she looked at him and recalled what the Doctor had said to her about this man being his replacement, she felt strangely comfortable with him knowing everything.

"Would you like to sit on my lap, Clara?" he asked in the Doctor's voice.

She faltered for a moment, feeling caught between refusing and waiting to recreate that moment just because he made her feel as if the Doctor was still in the room with her. And there was no point in lying to him, because he would know, he was psychic...

"Actually I was just thinking how much I wished I was back in that moment."

He drew the chair back further but remained seated.

"Come here, Clara."

She got up, drawing in a tight breath as she walked around the table and then stood in front of him.

"I'm not saying I want us to go any further -"

"I know that. Just do what feels right for you, what ever is best for you. I'm not here to take, I'm here to give."

He took hold of her hands and drew her down on to his lap. As he placed his hands on her hips and rested them there gently her gaze locked with his and there it was again, that feeling as if the Doctor was in the room with her, even though he was not.

"I don't know what to do," she said as she blinked away tears, "I'm looking at you and thinking of him and all the things I want to do and say that I'm afraid I''ll never have the time for now...I'm scared I'll lose him..."

"Then say it to me," he replied, "I'm holding you, I'm wearing his likeness, speak from the heart. Say the things you're holding back – the things you can't say to him while he's so weak."

Clara blinked and a tear ran down her cheek. Drift kept his hands on her hips and her gaze stayed locked with his and suddenly it was easy to say all she had not said to the Doctor, for fear that he would lose the fight.

"I love you, Doctor," she said in a voice broken by tears, "And I want you to live but I don't know if that's selfish of me because I know you're in pain but I love you so much and I can't bear to lose you again..."

Her sobs were muffled as she buried her face against his shoulder.

Drift held her closer and stroked her hair as she wept.

"Just believe me when I say the Doctor is a fighter."

She raised her head from his shoulder.

"Because of me?"

"Because of who the Doctor is," he replied, "A fighter, a man who loves life and wants to hold on to it. A man of great strength and courage."

He was so close to her their lips were almost touching.

"It's alright," Drift reminded her in the Doctor's voice, "You can hold me and think of him."

Clara's tears were drying now.

"Thank you," she whispered, and then as their lips touched it surprised her how his kiss was as deep and passionate as the Doctor's. He welcomed her into his mouth, his tongue sliding over and around hers as their lips locked in a breathless, passionate moment. Then Clara broke off from the kiss, an apologetic look in her eyes as nothing but kindness and understanding reflected in the gaze of the shape shifter.

"Sorry," she said, "Yes, I did need... that, what ever that just was, but I can't go any further. I love him too much."

"And it's fine," he promised her, "I knew you would say that."

She gave a heavy sigh and made no effort to get up, resting her head on his shoulder as he held her gently.

"When you hold me like this I can pretend, just for a moment, you're him, I can pretend he's not ill and none of this happened."

"Five more minutes," he said to her, "Then you need to drink that coffee before it goes cold."

She laughed softly and it was a relief for Drift to see the sadness lift from her eyes.

"I still can't do it...can't call you Doctor."

"Doctor Drift?"

She laughed again.

"You're like a doctor... maybe a medical one, or a therapist."

"With a very unique kind of therapy. It's good to see you smiling again, Clara. Keep up the positive attitude and when the Doctor wakes up, it can only be good for him to see you so happy again."

"If I wasn't so in love with the Doctor I'd not only kiss you but take you to bed, just for making me smile again."

"The option is still there," he said, giving her a wink, then Clara got up and wiped her face to be sure all trace of her tears were gone.

"I'd better get back to him...I don't want to leave him alone for too long."

"He wont be awake yet, this healing coma will take a while, I can't see him coming out of it in the next hour. You should get some sleep."

"What about you?"

Playfulness sparkled in his eyes.

"Well I'd love to sleep with you, but you said no, remember?"

She laughed softly, then the thought struck her that all turmoil and confusion was gone from her mind as she suddenly felt more assured that actually, everything would work out in the end...

"I'm glad you're here," she said.

"And I'll go and keep an eye on the Doctor," he replied, "You get some rest. Don't worry, I'll stay with him until you return."

"Thanks, but I don't plan on straying too far from his side."

Clara gave him another hug. He pulled her closer and for a moment she wanted to be lost in that embrace as she closed her eyes and thought of the man she loved, then she reminded herself this was not the Doctor, and let go of him. As she stepped back she noticed something that caught the light as he released her, it was silver and sparkled as the fancy dials gleamed gold.

"Nice watch," she remarked, "Can I see it?"

"No," Drift tugged down the sleeve of the copy of the Doctor's jacket, covering the gold and silver watch.

"It was a gift from someone special. I don't let anyone touch it."

"A client?"

"A girlfriend," he replied, "And I shouldn't be discussing personal stuff – I'm here to help, remember?"

"So you have a girlfriend? She doesn't mind what your job involves sometimes?"

He smiled fondly as his thoughts were briefly with someone far away.

"She's more than happy to accept what I do. That's all you need to know."

Clara felt an undeniable spark between them as she met his gaze, and felt sure it was partly gratitude and mostly because he resembled the Doctor.

"What's she like?"

He gave a sigh.

"Okay, I'll tell you a bit about her purely because I can feel your curiosity burning towards me almost as much as I felt the heat from your knickers when you sat on my lap."

"I wasn't _that_ turned on!"

"You can't lie to me, I'm psychic."

She had been about to leave the room but now his hands were on her shoulders and as she looked into his eyes she felt a pull towards him as her heart ached for the Doctor and his likeness of him was growing on her intensely, but as she pushed aside thoughts of her damp knickers and the desperate need she felt to be back in the Doctor's arms, Drift sensed that alluring heat of arousal fading out.

"I realise you're not turned on now" he added, "And if you must know, she's older than you, her hair is darker, she's short and has a very nice cleavage and she's very enthusiastic, like an excitable puppy. Her name is Zara and she's human. And that's _all_ you need to know."

"Maybe I can meet her when the Doctor's recovered. And it would be nice to see you shifted out of the Doctor's appearance. I'd like to meet Drift, the real you."

"As soon as the Doctor is recovering, I have to leave," he replied, "My work here will be done."

He had spoken with urgency in his tone, it had crept in as quickly as he had noticed and cancelled it with a smile.

"I just want to help, then be on my way."

"Thanks," Clara said again, "I'm grateful for your help. But I do hope you'll reconsider and stay around, I know the Doctor would like to thank you."

Then she left the kitchen, as Drift watched her walk away, as something new reflected in his eyes - something that he had kept hidden as he considered his _real_ plans...

* * *

Drift waited, then he went to the doorway and looked out, saw her return to the Doctor's room and then she closed the door far off up the other end of the corridor.

 _"Yes Clara, good idea,"_ he murmured, _"You go to sleep in his room, what an opportunity I have now..."_

Then he hurried up the corridor, glancing over his shoulder to be sure the corridor was empty, and returned to the console room where he stood at the controls of the Tardis and smiled as he drew a small, spiked crystal from his pocket that instantly glowed neon blue beneath the lights of the Tardis.

 _"Thank you very much for this opportunity, Clara..."_ he said, a crafty gleam coming to his eyes as his face reflected neon blue as the crystal glowed, _"A favour for a favour, Doctor, that's all the payment I'm asking...the loan of your time machine..."_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Clara hadn't recalled the exact moment she had fallen asleep sitting in a chair pulled up close to the Doctor's bed, but at some point she has slumped forward, her cheek resting on his hand as she held on to it, reassured by his warmth and the way he was resting so peacefully – it was a deceptive kind of peace, one that could almost be mistaken for a simple slumber and not a deep coma.

At _some_ point she had fallen asleep, and out of sheer exhaustion, could not remember doing it - but she was awake now, she sat up sharply and gave a gasp, realising at once why she had woken so abruptly:

The Doctor was trembling, a slight, constant tremble that ran through his body, then it stopped and another began at once.

" _Drift!"_ she yelled, then she left the Doctor's side and dashed to the doorway, leant out of it as she clutched at the frame and shouted his name again.

In the middle of this panic she realised an odd blue light shimmered from the console room far off at the other end of the corridor, it lit up unearthly and then faded out and then Drift ran up the corridor to join her.

"What's wrong?" he asked, as suddenly the panicked look in her eyes matched his own.

"He's having a seizure! This is your fault, you said it was safe! What do we do?"

Drift's eyes widened in alarm.

"But... he was supposed to wake up and be okay!"

Clara grabbed the lapels of his copy of the Doctor's suit and dragged him closer as rage burned in her eyes.

" _Help him!"_

As she let go he staggered back, wiped sweat from his face with a sweep of his hand and then went into the room and over to the Doctor's bed and as Clara joined him, he watched as the Doctor trembled again, he was pale and sweating and still trembling as if it would never stop.

"Doctor... please don't do this, please!" Clara begged, "I'm sorry, I never should have let you take that dose..."

She placed her hands on his shoulders as he continued to tremble, tears stinging her eyes. She knew nothing about reactions to meds, but she knew a seizure was bad, and the longer it went on, the worse it had to be...

"Help him!" she said again tearfully.

Drift reached for her, pulling her back from the Doctor, turning her to face him as something dark and intense that seemed to still border on panic filled his gaze and his voice shook nervously as he spoke.

"Listen to me, Clara... he's going to be okay! Believe it, just believe he's _not_ going to react badly to the shots!"

"But he is!"

"No, he's not, he's over it - look!"

Clara turned her head, saw the Doctor fall still and then relax as his breathing became slow and even once more and all trace of the seizures faded away.

"He's fine!" Drift said firmly, "Just keep remembering that, because he needs you to stay positive, we all do!"

She blinked.

"Excuse me? We _all_ do? What's _that_ supposed to mean? I love that man, how can I not worry? Is it so selfish of me?"

Drift had been holding her shoulders firmly, but then he let go.

"Just sit with him, Clara. He might wake up soon. He'll be okay, you'll see... give it a few more hours..."

Clara sank heavily into the chair next to the Doctor's bed, feeling emotionally drained as she looked on, watching him as he remained locked in the coma, knowing there was nothing she could do to wake him.

Drift breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"That's better... you sit with him and don't worry...that's very important. Think positive."

"Where are you going?" she asked, her gaze still fixed on her lover as he fought to survive.

"Just for a walk...I need to clear my head..."

Drift left the room and Clara stayed put, feeling it was all she could do now, just simply wait and hope for the best. Something at the back of her mind was questioning vaguely, questioning much about Drift and something he had said about how things were _supposed_ to be, but the Doctor was her only concern as she stayed at his bedside, determined to watch over him and not to sleep again until he woke up and she looked into his eyes, and knew for sure, at last, that he was not slipping away.

* * *

As Bill walked back towards the console room of Ashildr's Tardis, she thought about how exciting the tour of at least some of this place had been – vast rooms, vast places, and she had only seen a small fraction of the ship, but the hours had passed by and then she had said perhaps they should go back and check on the Doctor.

"I'm sure there's no change or we would have heard by now," Ashildr had told her, "But yes, we should go and see him."

Then as they walked together, Bill thought back on the heated conversation they had shared in the console room.

"I don't really think you've totally forgotten everyone you knew,"Bill said, "You must recall your children, or husbands...lovers...the ones that left their names inside your heart. That has to last longer and go deeper than the page of any journal."

For a moment Ashildr stopped walking, then as she looked at Bill she blinked away tears.

"Okay, so you're right. Well done, you got me. Some names _will_ be there forever. Let's just go, shall we? I think we have enough sadness to deal with, certainly without me dragging up my past. I don't need to feel more pain."

"But that's what makes us human."

"Not me, not any more."

They walked on, reaching the console room.

"Point taken," Bill replied, giving up on trying to crack the thin ice that she was sure encased the Viking immortal's heart.

"Oh no.. this is odd," Ashildr said as she looked at a monitor on her console where a light was flashing, then she ran a fingertip over a map that illuminated.

"Something wrong?" Bill asked as she joined her.

"I'm not sure," Ashildr replied, "But according to my tracker, there's some kind of additional energy source on board the Tardis...something my system picks up as hostile."

"We should go!" Bill said urgently.

Ashildr drew a small, sleek weapon from her belt. Bill looked at it in surprise.

"I never even noticed you were armed!"

Ashildr powered up the weapon and smiled.

"Small, discreet, powerful and it's got many settings... one of my many toys. I have all kinds... Travels through space and time have taught me to be ready for anything. I could show you more - later on, if the Doctor pulls through he'll be off with Clara for a while. Leaves you at a loose end?"

Bill looked to the warning light on the console.

"You can talk like that gun's your vibrator when this is over, right now we need to get back to his Tardis - everything else can wait."

"Including flirting?"

They had reached the door and Bill pushed it open.

"That can definitely wait!" she said, and then she hurried on ahead, out of the diner and through the doors that led outside, as Ashildr hurried to catch up, the weapon powered up but now holstered as she wondered exactly what had manifested on the Doctor's ship in his absence.

* * *

Clara had not fallen asleep again. She had stayed awake and felt no urge to sleep as she watched over the man she loved and wished for nothing but his recovery – and soon.

Then she wondered why she was shaking as her body shuddered, she gave a gasp, feeling pressure on her shoulders and looked around, but no one else was in the room, the door was closed and the lights were dim, but there was enough light from above and from the fire that flickered on the other side of the room – she was certain, no one else was there. Then she wondered if perhaps she was shaking on the inside, afraid of losing the Doctor.

 _Maybe this was what deepest, life-shattering grief felt like._

 _She was sure she had grieved when Danny had died, but to grieve for the Doctor? That was a different kind of loss, a deeper lost love, one that would cut her in two, something she could never come back from..._

"Please wake up," she said tenderly, leaning over him and studying his face, taking in every detail, then she stroked his hair.

"I do love you so very much. Please come through this, it doesn't matter if it's not perfect, if you can't fully recover – as long as you make it. I can help you, Doctor. I'll get you through this. Just wake up for me, please."

The Doctor opened his eyes.

Clara's face registered surprise but his did not as he reached up, cradling her face in his hands as their gaze locked.

"You're awake!" she gasped.

"There is no time," he said, speaking clearly and showing no sign of weakness, "I can explain everything...but first, there's a reason why your arm is aching."

As he said that, she was aware of a deep bruise on her right arm, but he still held her there, his hands cradling her face, then he shifted slightly, brushing her hair off her shoulder as the other hand stroked her cheek.

"Right now," he said, all you need to do is take this in – remember the day we were inside a Dalek and things got heated and you slapped me?"

"What of it?" she asked.

"Well, this is in no way a payback for that. But you're really hard to rouse and you _have_ to wake up!"

The sharp slap to her face was something she didn't see coming and as the force of it threw her back against the chair, the world blurred, then she briefly placed a hand against her stinging cheek. Then suddenly her eyes were stinging with tears of sheer relief as she looked to the empty bed, then to the Doctor, who now stood beside her. He was up and dressed and had never looked better...

He held out his hand, she accepted it and got to her feet.

"I'm so sorry I had to do that!"

He grabbed her and kissed her cheek where the blow had made her face red, then he kissed it again, then kissed her lips, then pulled back, emotion tangled with urgency that burned bright in his eyes as he hastily explained:

"Let me do this quickly: Everything that happened was real – up to a point. Yes, I did suffer the effects of the damage caused by the memory wipe. I did collapse and Bill helped me to find you. Drift did save my life with those shots he gave me – then he gave me another, a sedative – and you too..."

Clara looked down at her arm, saw a bruising needle mark and then it flashed to mind: _Drift grabbing her arm as the Doctor rested, she had just asked him what that third shot was for...then everything had gone dark..._

"Those shots contained a banned substance that links dreamers... okay if you want an erotic fantasy but bad news if one of us is terrified. You thought I was I going to die, no I did _not_ react to the medication. I was already awake and trying to wake you... Something's compromising the Tardis system, I can tell by the change in the pitch, a subtle shift in the regular sound that fills the ship... If he can get his hands on dream binding chemicals he can easily cook up the ingredients to make blue spiked star crystals... the main ingredient is found in plant life that grows all over his planet."

"And what does the crystal do?" she asked.

"It's a very lively smart learning energy source that can take over any ship – or at least try to."

"He wants to steal the ship?"

"He wants to steal a time machine and I know why. I just hope we get to him before Ashildr does, her Tardis would have picked up the hostile warning coming from my ship...and unlike me, Ashildr wouldn't hesitate to shoot first and ask questions later."

He grabbed her hand.

"Let's go, there's not much time!"

As she ran with him from the bedroom and down the Tardis corridor, she shot him a look of confusion.

"He drugged us and now he wants the Tardis – _why_ are you so worried for his safety?"

"Because there's more to this," he said as they ran, "So much more...I'll explain in a minute... we have to stop him before it's too late!"

* * *

As Ashildr and Bill both reached the Doctor's Tardis at the same time, they both collided at the same time with something that felt like the slam of a brick wall, then bounced off, then tumbled together to the ground, Bill on her back, Ashildr on top of her as for a moment Bill was covered with a curtain of the immortal's hair. Ashildr sat up, her gaze briefly locked with Bill's.

"The shields are up."

"I guessed that!" Bill exclaimed.

"We should try again."

"You just want to land on top of me again!"

Ashildr's eyes briefly lit up with a sparkle, then she got up and Bill scrambled to her feet, then the two women looked to the closed doors of the Tardis.

"We're locked out."

"Now what?" Bill asked.

She stepped closer, ran her hand over the solid, invisible structure that now surrounded the blue box.

Ashildr shook her head as she looked through the invisible barrier.

"Maybe there's a way to cut through it. You stay here – I'll go back to my ship and see if anything can be done from there. Take this."

She thrust the weapon into her hands and Bill looked at it in alarm.

"I've never fired a gun in my life!"

"You don't have to – unless something nasty comes at you. It's a laser blaster, powered up to maximum. Just point it and squeeze the trigger. I have to go!"

Ashildr turned away and ran off across the field towards her own Tardis, leaving Bill standing in front of a barrier she could not see, as the doors of the Tardis remained firmly shut and she held a weapon that made her uneasy.

"Please be okay in there, Doctor" Bill said as she nervously held the gun, "I really don't want to use this thing..."

* * *

In the console room of the Doctor's Tardis, Drift tried again to make the time machine activate, recalling how he had seen the Doctor do it, he threw a heavy lever, the room glowed neon blue as the console lit up, gleaming with the power of the spiked crystal, and then the light faded out again - and the ship stalled.

"Come on!" he said impatiently.

Then another blue glow appeared as the Doctor stood beside him, hit the console with a blast from his sonic screw driver and a compartment popped open, raising up a very fried and no longer glowing, burnt out crystal.

Drift looked to him in alarm.

The Doctor gave him a frosty glance, then lowered shields and snapped his fingers. As the doors flew open, Bill ran inside, Drift made a move to run and she instinctively raised the blaster.

"I don't know what's happened here," she said, "But you're going nowhere!"

Drift froze, a look of fear in his eyes as he saw the weapon, then he backed off away from the controls, briefly raising his hands in surrender and then lowering them again.

"Please... let me explain..."

"No, allow me," the Doctor said, taking a step closer to Drift as he looked back at him silently pleading for mercy, "Let me explain exactly what you are, but first, take off that disguise, Mr Drift. _Take it off now!_ "

As his angry words echoed about the console room, Ashildr ran through the open Tardis doorway and stopped abruptly, saw the Doctor standing there looking fully recovered and also very angry, Clara was beside him and Drift was clearly terrified as Bill stood keeping him in the sights of the raised gun.

"I'll take that," Ashildr said, and Bill was relieved as she lifted the weapon from her grasp, then she calmly aimed it at the frightened shape shifter.

"You might want to put that down, Ashildr?" the Doctor suggested.

"I'm guessing I was right about him and he wanted to steal the Tardis?" she replied, the weapon still trained on Drift.

"Yes and no," the Doctor told her, "Yes, he wanted to steal the Tardis...but you are partly wrong about him. Please, lower the weapon. Lower it or get _out_ of my Tardis!"

"You didn't say that to Bill."

"I know Bill wouldn't have fired it," he replied.

Bill briefly smiled and the Doctor smiled too, then that look was back in his eyes, a look that said he was far from happy regarding Mr Drift...

"Lose the weapon, last warning," he repeated.

Ashildr reluctantly lowered the gun, deactivated it and placed it back in the holster.

"I've been to his planet before," she said, "I stayed for a few months... I learned enough to know his kind are _not_ to be trusted."

The Doctor let her remark pass him by as he snapped his fingers and the doors to the Tardis slammed shut, closing them inside as the slam gave Drift a jolt that visibly shook him as fear reflected in his eyes.

"I...I can explain.. Please just let me explain!" he begged.

The Doctor's anger was fading now.

"You will do nothing, Drift – you've done enough already! As we're all together now, I think it's best if I explain," then he looked to the others, "I've worked it out. Pay attention, all is about to be revealed..."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

As they stood in the Tardis, the others waiting for an explanation, Drift gave a sob and raised shaking hands and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry...I just wanted to borrow your ship, not steal it -"

"Borrow?" Ashildr said as she shot him a mocking glance, "You wanted to _borrow_ the Doctor's Tardis? Just have a little fun with it and bring it back? As if you'd bring it back! I can only imagine the hell you'd unleash on the universe... a moron in charge of this ship, it doesn't bear thinking about!"

" _That's enough!"_

The Doctor had yelled at her sharply with anger burning in his eyes, and for once, it was enough to make Ashildr fall silent.

"I will explain," the Doctor continued, "But first, I'll ask you again, lose the disguise, Mr Drift."

He nodded, then turned a dial on his watch, there was a shimmer and the Doctor's likeness vanished, as Drift stood there in a dark grey suit, a man younger than the Doctor, who looked tearfully at the others as he said nothing and let the Doctor continue to explain.

"Bill, when you first met Drift, what happened?"

"I was sitting in the corridor, worried about you and he said he just found me...said he could feel my worry from two floors down."

"I saw the signposts on the way out," the Doctor replied, "The ground floor is where they take them to die – those of Veytanian blood, when the genetic disease comes out, it usually happens between the ages of twenty five and forty - anyone of his descent who lives longer than that has had a good life. The native population of the planet has been dwindling for centuries. Today there are less than fifty thousand of them left globally."

"Why?" asked Clara.

"Because fifty years before the planet was chosen as a colony, a weapons testing corporation chose Veytania Five to test new chemical weapons. They had passed through, seen the desert land on the western side and assumed the planet was empty. And they tested the weapons and the native population were poisoned for ever, their DNA damaged beyond repair. By the time the colonists arrived the planet was clean, but the damage to the population of the shape shifters would stay forever, like a sleeping time bomb in the bodies of each generation that followed. I'm guessing Mr Drift kept that crystal to alert him to the presence of a ship powerful enough to take him far enough in holo guise to find a cure, but when he realised this was a time machine he came up with a better plan : Go back in time and stop the bombs from ever falling on his home planet. Am I right, Drift?"

The shape shifter nodded.

"Holo guise?" Bill said, "He's a hologram?"

"A semi organic hologram with a built in mirror cloak that enables his three dimensional form to shift as easily as he can in life... that's what the watch is for."

The Doctor paused, falling silent for a moment, then as he addressed his next remarks to Drift, his tone was one of absolute respect and sympathy.

"I would imagine the power of running the holo program is agony for you. The real version of you is on the ground floor of the medical centre back on your home planet, you're a dying man trying to change the past to save yourself and your people."

Drift nodded again as he blinked away tears.

"I didn't mean any harm..."

"And I don't doubt that, neither do I doubt your honesty or the fact that you've worked all your life not as a con man but as a companionship replacement service because you understand pain and loss. You also had the opportunity to steal this Tardis when I was in a critical condition, it would have been so easy but instead you delayed your own plans to give me those shots that saved my life - because I was dying and you wanted me to live, you know more than anyone how it feels to be desperate to survive."

"I just want a chance to stop the weapons testing," Drift begged, "Please, just take me back to that time and place and let me try!"

Again the Doctor fell silent, he gathered his thoughts before explaining carefully.

"Not all things can be changed, Drift. Sometimes, something happens that is of such great magnitude that it creates ripples that do good on a far greater scale. After it was realised that your people had been condemned by the testing, new laws were created that eventually affected the whole galaxy, then every galaxy and eventually it was universe wide that no weapons could be tested on any planet until extensive scans had been made to search for life. What happened to your people saved billions of lives, and then one day weapons testing was banned on all planets, everywhere, because of what happened on your home world! It could be a fixed point in time. If you change that, the positive changes could be undone. Billions could die. Do you see why you can't go back?"

Tears streaked the shape shifter's face.

"I just want to live!" he said, "I want to get married, have a family, I want to be happy...It's not fair that I'm dying!"

The Doctor indicated to a glowing light that was blinking on his watch.

"I see you've muted some kind of communication device. I think someone who is back with the real you on your home planet is trying to speak to you. Someone who cares for you very much. You should take that call, Mr Drift."

His hand shook as he raised the watch closer to his lips and hit a button.

"Hello..."

"Please come back," said a tearful woman, "Please, Drift... I know this is hurting you. And you don't have much strength left. I just want to be with you to the end... Shut that thing off, come back to me, it's okay...you don't have to be scared..."

As tears ran down his face, he drew in a breath, speaking clearly as he gave his answer.

" _I'm coming back."_

Drift cast a glance around the room, then looked to the Doctor.

"I'm sorry."

The Doctor shook his head.

"No need to apologise. Go back now, be with the one who loves you. Regret nothing, Drift. You wanted to save your entire race, I'm honoured to have met a man of your courage."

"Thank you," he replied, his voice distant as he turned the dial again, his eyes were tearful as he looked about the console room for the last time, then he shimmered and vanished from the Tardis.

* * *

For a moment after the shape shifter vanished, there was silence.

"You can't just let him die," Bill said, "There has to be a way -"

"Sometimes I can help, sometimes I have to step back," the Doctor replied, "When I do nothing, it's never a decision that's easy to live with - but a fixed point in time can't be tampered with."

Then Clara spoke up.

"But maybe it's not -"

"Leave it, please. Subject is closed," the Doctor replied, giving Clara that look that told her his decision would stand.

Ashildr spoke up, her tone one of apology.

"Sorry I was so hard on him."

"You disappoint me," the Doctor replied, "You need to learn to look deeper sometimes, _don't_ assume. Drift wasn't a bad man – he was just trying to be a good man and he went about it the wrong way. I can understand that well. Now, leaving this situation far behind us, what are your plans, Bill? Shall I take you home for a while, or do you and Ashildr have plans for a quick trip around the stars? Me and Clara have a _lot_ of catching up to do."

Bill glanced to Ashildr and the two women exchanged a smile.

"Just one quick trip," Bill said.

"And it will be quick and you will bring her back unharmed or face the consequences," the Doctor replied, looking to Ashildr, who nodded, recalling facing his anger long ago and having no wish for a repeat of that situation.

Bill went over to the Doctor and gave him a hug.

"See you soon."

"Take care out there," he reminded her.

She smiled.

"You bet I will!"

Then she left the Tardis with Ashildr.

* * *

Now they were alone, the Doctor turned to Clara, his thoughts on a joyful reunion that was long overdue. But as he looked at her, his smile faded. Clara had been crying.

"Oh Clara, I'm perfectly fine now! There's no need to worry. I'm fully healed, it's over."

"No," she said firmly, "This isn't over! How can you let him go back there to die? He was trying to save his own life, he would have gone to the end of time and space to do it if he could, to save himself _and_ change the past! It's exactly the kind of thing _you_ would have done! Think about that for a moment!"

The Doctor paused for thought.

"It could well be a fixed point in time."

"And maybe it's not. Maybe there's another way. If the authorities were warned about the testing and they stopped it, a near miss can teach a lesson just as well as a tragedy – which one would you prefer? Which outcome, Doctor?"

As he looked into her eyes, his hand was resting on the lever to activate the Tardis. It was an unspoken moment that passed between them as he smiled, thinking on the fact that it certainly wasn't over yet – he and Clara had much to discuss, there was something she was yet to find out and he wasn't ready to break the news, not when she had locked her gaze with his and that spark of love had passed between them that warmed his twin hearts and reminded him of why she made him feel so damned optimistic, because love did that, her love _always_ found a way...

"I really shouldn't take such a gamble," he said, and snapped his fingers and the Tardis doors closed firmly, then he looked to the lever, and his gaze shifted to Clara. As she caught the sparkle in his eyes, she smiled and placed her hand on the lever too.

"This is why I love you!" she said.

"It's not over yet..." he warned her, "We have much to discuss. There's something you're not aware of. But that can wait, we have a weapons test to cancel!"

Then he threw the lever, and the Tardis faded in and out of sight, then disappeared, taking off through space and time as Clara thought only of the fact that they were about to do something wonderful, and gave no thought to what else he had said – that it wasn't over, because they had much to discuss – for now, all that mattered was the Doctor was going to try and right a terrible wrong, taking a gamble with consequences that could not be predicted – but it seemed like the right thing to do – the _only_ thing to do, and no matter how it turned out, they were taking this chance together...

* * *

 _The task turned out to be very simple._

After a brief trip back to the pre colony days of Veytania Five, then a trip to a regulations board on a neighbouring planet who sent a message to head office, it was hardly an adventure and surprisingly simple to do, and on returning to the Tardis and then travelling on through space and time, the Doctor checked the Tardis records and then smiled.

"Well that was the most seemingly uneventful trip we've ever taken," he said to Clara as she stood beside him, "But it seems you were right about a near miss... the same outcome, same regulations... and the people of Drift's planet were never affected by the chemical weapons. The settlers still came along, the two species integrated..."

"So he's still alive?"

"Yes, but we changed the timeline and he won't know us now. He's never met us in the altered timeline."

Clara was smiling. The Doctor smiled too.

"You want us to pop back and see how he's getting on?"

"Yes please."

The Doctor's eyes sparkled as he gave her that quirky smile that made her heart skip a beat.

"Just a quick trip," he replied, "Then we have to go, there's something I need it tell you."

For a brief moment, worry clouded her gaze and he silently vowed never to cause himself any harm again, to keep out of harm's way, purely to never see that look in her eyes again.

"No! It's nothing bad... I promise! Let's just go and catch up with Mr Drift."

Then the Tardis landed and he grabbed her hand, leading her to the door, giving her no time to ask questions about what he needed to tell her...

* * *

Returning to the planet was a very different experience to the first time as they stepped out near the place where the road led to town – the road was shorter, more houses and buildings were covering the landscape and there were bright and colourful markets dotted about the terrain on every available open space.

"It's twice as populated!" the Doctor exclaimed.

Clara smiled as she squeezed his hand as they walked towards the open gateway to the town.

"That's because everybody lived," she reminded him.

Her words made the Doctor smile as he glanced at her then looked about the busy town as they entered, taking in the lively sights and sounds of the busy place.

"Generations have thrived here!" he exclaimed, "and both species have integrated well...Look at that!"

As they had passed colourful shop displays on one side and a market on the other, the Doctor had indicated to a notice board that was covered with business cards. There were many of these boards lining the main walkway, but the card he indicated to was of great interest as Clara stepped closer, admiring the sight of the large black card with the gold lettering. Then she read it, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Mr Drift...shape shifting companion to order for...female clientele? He's an escort?"

The Doctor chuckled.

"In a world that never suffered the loss and tragedy of the weapons testing, he didn't have to grow up surrounded by loss. He doesn't have that ticking time bomb inside him any more. He's taking advantage of the reason why tourists come here every year – he's a shifter, they'll pay him a small fortune to become their dream man for the night. I wonder what his girlfriend makes of it."

Clara giggled.

"A lot of money, I bet!"

Just then, a familiar face walked past, it was Drift, he was wearing a silvery grey suit made of fine fabric, the woman who walked beside him was shorter than him, wore a clinging black dress and high heeled shoes and her dark hair fell to her shoulders.

"...And you've got your regular appointment at three," she was saying to him as she checked his schedule, "Then tomorrow there's that Countess woman... she's at the hotel. Better try and make that an all nighter, charge her top rate and that's another chunk of the mortgage paid off!"

Drift stopped walking, turned to her and smiled.

"And I'm giving this up as soon as it is paid, we've got a family to think of now! Little shape shifter can't grow up knowing his dad does this for a living..."

"Going back to fleecing tourists, then? Ah well, I still loved you when you used to be a con man."

He laughed.

"I don't need to now, Zara, we've made more than enough money... I'll just have to think of something else. Maybe I'll get into trading. Get myself a market stall, it might be fun."

As he leant closer and gave her kiss, his hand briefly rested on her swollen belly. Zara was heavily pregnant.

Clara wandered over as the couple carried on talking and the Doctor followed, saying nothing as he looked discreetly to Drift, a man whose destiny had been very different until a trip in the Tardis had changed fate for everyone.

"Clara..." the Doctor said as she reached for Drift's arm, "Don't! He doesn't know you!"

But it was too late. She touched his arm. Drift turned around.

"Drift...I just wanted to say hello," Clara said, smiling to him and then Zara.

"Are you a client?" he asked.

She thought back to his antics on the Tardis and laughed.

His face flushed a little.

"Oh...perhaps we...erm... must have known each other a while back...I get through so many bookings I lose track! Sorry, but I'm fully booked for the next few weeks. As you know, in the business of shape shifting escorts I am one of the more exclusive... I've made my money. I'm giving up the escort business soon."

"Well, I just wanted to say I hope you and Zara have a really happy life," Clara said warmly, "I:m really glad to know you're happy, too...And congratulations on the baby, it's wonderful news..."

"Thanks," he said, still looking slightly puzzled as he tried to recall her but still could not, then the Doctor took Clara's hand and led her away from the market place, back down the street and towards the waiting Tardis.

* * *

All trace of the sadness that had reflected in her eyes before they had changed history was gone from Clara's gaze. She was still giggling as they entered the Tardis, the doors closed and the ship was in flight again.

"He's earned _so_ much he's almost paid off his mortgage?" she exclaimed, "HOW many women has he slept with?"

"Well, in this lifetime he's had a very different timeline," the Doctor replied as Clara joined him at the console, "He's turned his shape shifting ability into a money making business that has to be better than petty crime. Looks like meeting Zara turned his life around. So now you know Mr Drift has a good out come. And I think it's time we discussed our own outcome, Clara."

As she stood facing him as the lights of the Tardis glowed, she felt slightly confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I said I had something to tell you."

"So go on, then, what is it?"

There was a sparkle in his eyes and a slight smile on his face as he gathered his thoughts, then he took hold of her hands as the Tardis flew on through time and space, knowing now was the perfect time to break the news.

"First of all, yes I was stupid to put myself at risk from the memory wipe. And I'm okay now and I'll never do anything stupid again..well, I'll try not to..."

His grip on her hands tightened. His gaze locked with hers and for a moment he said nothing more.

"Doctor?" said Clara, "What's this about? Say something..."

"I'm trying...It's something very important...and where better than here, in the Tardis... After I've told you I'm going to take you in my arms and we're going back to my bedroom and I'm going to stay inside you, with you, both of us together, until I'm exhausted. I'm going to love you until I'm sweating and you're shaking and we both cry. But first I have to tell you something...Okay, I'm ready. Here goes, Clara... When I fought to save you, when I took you out of time to save you from the raven, yes I was saving the woman I loved. When I found you again it was because I could do nothing but search until I found you because I love you. And...it's also because I know something you don't. _I was saving two people_."

Clara blinked. The Doctor's eyes misted up as he smiled and held on to her hands tightly.

"Are you trying to say..."

"I'm a time lord, I knew before you did... you still don't know yet. You're pregnant. You were pregnant with my child when you faced the raven. That's why I felt like I couldn't go on without you – Id lost both of you, or so I thought. But now I have you and the baby back, I want you to know I'll never let either of you out of my sight again. I love you, Clara."

She was still looking at him in surprise.

"I'm pregnant?"

He nodded.

"And I love you both very much," he added as he smiled again.

Joy shone in Clara's eyes as she smiled too.

"I'm carrying your child?"

"Yes, you most definitely are!"

Then he kissed her deeply, it was a long and lingering kiss as the Tardis flew on through starlit space, then he lifted her into his arms as she laughed.

"What are you doing, Doctor?"

Love reflected in his eyes as he held her.

"I'm taking you off to bed, my Clara," he replied.

The Doctor kissed her again and Clara laughed with delight as her lover carried her out of the console room, pausing to stop for another lingering kiss, then they headed back towards the bedroom for a reunion that had been long overdue, as the Tardis travelled on wards on a slow and steady course, leaving Doctor and Clara to share the simple but wonderful luxury of making love together after their long separation as they celebrated the only thing in the universe that really mattered – the only thing that everyone wanted in life – at last they had their happy ending, and it was just the beginning of so much more, it was the start of a wonderful future, a place where no dark sweep of a raven's wing could separate them again. This time they had all the time they needed, and it was going to be a wonderful life.

End

* * *

 **A word from Betty:**

 **Dear readers, I hope this fic was enjoyed and hopefully I'll be writing more fan fiction soon, this story has been a lot of fun to write! Ive been away from fan fiction for several months with my own books - and its good to be back again. Fan fiction will always be my first love when it comes to fic writing!  
**

 **Much love, N.B.P x**


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